Deborah up her own again

Self-reflexive bit here (feel free to skip, jump, hop):

Hello Deborah, how are you today?

I enjoy writing you into active existence.

I enjoy you writing me into active existence.

I enjoy me writing me into active existence

Will readers enjoy reading me writing me into active existence, oh so self-reflexively?  (Yes, here comes yet another post that reads like a self-justifying introduction.) Quite likely they'll get fed up with it. I keep wanting to reaffirm that this is my introspective blog; I take no responsibility for entertaining readers. Maybe there'll get a voyeuristic thrill out of reading something so private. Probably not, though.

Even the continued existence of this blog would seem messy from the outside, I think. So let me state here that while I am proud that I ended Mirror Sister neatly and firmly, Deborah Descends may well stop and start without explanation or justification. I deny responsibility to continue with it, or to declare and explain ceasing or taking long breaks.

But of course I like the idea of there being readers really.

I am fascinated by the potential of an online life with an online identity: all that that frees me from, far more than just gender. Maybe it's somewhat like writing a story but actually being the character in the story, not just imagining that you are.

Also there's a kind of political refusal, a turning of my back on the potential of 'real life', on account of objection to all the bad that's evident in real life. Life is what you make it? Bollocks. An online identity is what you make it? Yes, surely it is?

The penalty for this refusal will be the effects of devoting time and energy to online life which could have been spent on improving offline life. Am I neglecting a harder, but fuller and ultimately 'realer' world in favour of a somewhat delusional world, easy but facile, reduced in its dimensions?

I do find the idea that are am giving up on the steep, righteous climb and surrendering into naughty 'descent' rather thrilling.  But there is meaning, thee is genuine life in the dark depths, there are parts of the self there to be actualised.

I could do all this without the trans. It would prevent disappointing readers who are hoping for trans content, and it would prevent sexual motivations from influencing content. But I am a crossdreamer: exploring and expressing my crossdreaming identity feels important to me (and sexy). So it would be stupid or cowardly or just boring not to include the crossdreaming aspect.

Contemplating the nature of crossdreaming bit here:

In previous posts I have probably already contradicted myself about whether the crossdreaming of Deborah Descends is all about sexuality or not. I intend to continue to contradict myself, as befits an introspective diary. You, readers, may have your theories about the source of my sexual trans feelings lying in a non-sexual realm beneath the sexual, or vice versa. You are welcome to your theories; I don't need to know them. I do think that to explore self-expression from the perspective of a posited inner woman can be an interesting exercise in creative expression and in developing self-awareness.

The questions are 'will Deborah's online existence ever feature much more than writing this introspective diary', and 'will this introspective diary get to reflect on much more than the act of writing this intropsective diary'?

Happy New Year Deborah!

Happy New Year readers! xxx