Debbie's serious thoughts of the month

Crossdreaming/autogynephilia is probably the only sexuality about which most serious discussion focuses on its cause.

I think this is harmful for crossdreamers and for the development of a crossdreaming community.

In a post of 16 January 2013, Jack Molay, who coined the term, defined mtf crossdreamers clearly as 'male-bodied persons who get aroused by the idea of being a woman'. I don't think that the term has always been employed so unambiguously, but I thoroughly approve of this clear-cut definition. If this definition is stuck to tightly, then I would like 'crossdreaming'  to be used in preference to 'autogynephilia'. It sounds so much nicer, doesn't it? Furthermore Jack has not so much developed as created the crossdreaming community, out of an undoubted strong desire to help us all, so it is appropriate that we use his term (even if he has gone a bit over the top in his anti-Blanchard fervour recently).

Blanchard has been condemned by many, in no uncertain terms, for treating gender dysphoria as a symptom of autogynephilia. I think there can also be harm in treating crossdreaming as a symptom of dysphoria, less because it might not be one than because this belittles the importance of the sexuality in its own right.

So I think it is very important to distinguish crossdreaming from dysphoria. Some crossdreamers suffer from dysphoria and some do not. It is our crossdreaming sexuality that unites us, and such unity is important. What I think is crucial is to distinguish the dysphoria of dysphoric crossdreamers from the crossdreaming of dysphoric crossdreamers.

I am very fortunate not to suffer from dysphoria. I am all for dysphorics supporting each other. Should dysphorics transition? That is not for me to say. This very difficult decision should be up to each individual, perhaps guided by the advice of knowledgeable, supportive others (as long as those others are not motivated by a political agenda to get people to transition, a disdain for trans people who don't  - or the opposite motivations). But in principle I am all in favour of men turning into women.

Crossdreaming is a sexuality, and sexuality is a very important part of life. This is true for dysphorics and non-dysphorics alike. Sexuality is inherently pleasurable, and a strong crossdreaming community can help dysphorics and non-dysphorics alike enjoy and feel good about their sexuality.

If crossdreaming is not distinguished from dysphoria, then serious focus on the sexuality is liable to get swamped by focus on dysphoria and the possibility of transitioning.

Should crossdreamers transition on account of their sexuality? If they want to because they think it a turn-on then I have no objection, but I would advise them to think hard about it first, especially about the difference between fantasy and rl. I doubt many people actually transition without a deep conviction that it is right for them, but there are probably quite a few non-transitioners who feel cowardly because they have not gone down what others have advocated as their only path to fulfilment.

Acknowledging oneself to be a crossdreamer, to have such an unorthodox and disdained sexuality, is not easy. That is why I think it is important that there is an affirmative community, outside of TG pornography, that helps individual crossdreamers to embrace their sexuality without shame, that doesn't think of crossdreaming as something to be got rid off, either through therapy or though transitioning.

I don't think it is helpful for people acknowledging their crossdreaming sexuality to have the serious, difficult issue of transitioning thrust in their face. Acknowledging crossdreaming is hard enough in itself. Uncertain feelings about the sexuality can be confused with dysphoria. The belief 'if you crossdream you must be transsexual, therefore you should transition' ought not to be allowed to dominate crossdreaming culture.

Crossdreaming is a fascinating sexuality. Important contexts for it are:

- cultural gender roles

- the relationship between inner and outer life

- the relationship between self and other

- the relationship between sexual and non-sexual realms

- the differences between online and offline life

Aspects of crossdreaming that can be explored, beyond the element of gender, are:

- its relationship to introversion

- its relationship to male heterosexuality

- its relationship to other sexual predilections such as masochism

- its relationship to other fantasies of transformation.

Relationships that I do not encourage the study of - beyond serious scientific investigations - are relationships to mental illness, low self-esteem, sense of failure as a male. It doesn't do a community or an individual good to dwell on such themes: it can lead to an indulgent wallowing that serves no one.

But investigation, even comprehension, is much less important than the development of an affirmative community.

Our sexuality is a sexuality, not a symptom.

Not woman but femme

Do have a study of crossdresser Jonathan's concept of 'femme', in some of the early posts at his always thoughtful Male Femme blog, especially this one.

I find the concept interesting, intelligent and important. Of course I'm not saying it's the final word (I'm not very keen on final words), but it's a good word. xx

Debbie's sexual boots

(N.B. lots of involved introspection here; sexy boots only feature in the last two paragraphs.)


I am experiencing some of the mixed feelings about Deborah Descends that I had about Mirror Sister towards the end of its life.

Since I've promoted it on reddit this blog has greatly increased its readership.

I'm disappointed when I get few readers but when I get a lot of them I feel disconcerted.

A large readership inclines me to more of an addressing-a-public style rather than a private diary style. This I can find confining. I have contemplating splitting between a more public and a more private blog again.

I'm both tempted to be a prominent presence in debates about crossdreaming and resistant. Like most people, I like to edge the world a little closer to my own way of thinking (in this case a positive attitude to crossdreaming as a sexuality), but also I am aware that debate usually ends in frustration. You are convinced you are right yet people still disagree with you. Eventually it can feel an unconstructive use of time.

I have made a few contributions recently to Crossdream Life, which probably confuses readers who remember me declaring my retirement from the forum. Well, I am still resolved not to engage in arguments there, or to regard welcoming and encouraging others as my personal role, but I couldn't help but be drawn into the sheer sexiness of the 'Videos that make you think of crossdreaming' thread. The fact that these videos are presented by crossdreamers as sexy viewing for other crossdreamers definitely adds to the sexiness, as well as providing a sense of sisterhood which is such an encouraging affirmation. On the forum there are other threads like this too which I love, alongside all the 'should I transition?' and 'is it honourable biological transsexualism or is it a worthless pervy fetish?' threads.

I must also consider what I want to do on the crossdreaming subreddit. I could end up just using it as a surrogate Crossdream Life, which seems a bit pathetic.  

Another aspect of all this is the oddity of discussing sexuality with unsexy earnestness. Why don't I just let myself be sexy?

Sexual urges have a vitality that is in itself life-affirming as well as compelling, but where they lead to may not be healthy. Is it inherent in the nature of sexuality that it cannot really be well  integrated into the rest of life? That it is inherently in tension with sensible, good living? That there is a wisdom to confining its acknowledgement to being an affirmation of a one-to-one 'relationship', and keeping the rest secret naughtiness? Alloeroticism  places a perhaps expedient constraint on free sexual activity that autoeroticism does not.

Feelings that I should get away from all this internet sexuality sink gradually in the mire of the petty dissatisfaction and deep meaninglessness of regular rl everyday life. Pursuing genuinely desired long-term goals involves an alienating deferred gratification. Even booking a holiday, much as I would enjoy the actual holiday, involves so much tiresome and slightly stressful coordinating of arrangements that it doesn't really compete with the sexy videos on Crossdream Life. Plus when I writeonline I am impacting, however slightly, on the lives of - mostly unknown - others, my readers, which feels at least slightly meaningful and worthwhile.

Of course the title Deborah Descends suggests a fall, a surrender into depravity. And of course the notion of that is in itself very sexy.

Some women just exude sexuality, like it has taken them over. Do they realise that they create this impression? Probably not: unlike crossdreamers their primary motivation is not autoerotic stimulation. I have a fantasy about large femme boots that when worn take the wearer over, possess their soul, make them slaves to sex.

Where are Debbie's boots walking her too?

Against interpretation

It is well known in counselling that the thing to do is not to tell the counsellee what to do. Nor to tell them why they are experiencing the feelings they are sharing.

The thing to do is to listen with respect. To affirm them through witnessing their disclosure with acceptance.We can all do this. No counselling training necessary.

In time the counsellee will gain confidence. Then the counsellor and counsellee will become peers. They can mutually affirm through supportive listening. Witnessing each other becomes a crucial contact, a connection that rescues from isolation.

Through such relationships a community can form.

What isn't so helpful is smartarse interpretation. Coming on as the expert psychologist, 'I've got insight into you'; or treating someone as a case study, wrangling with another adviser over whether the person's experience supports your precious theory or theirs.

So when you read a crossdreamer describing their most personal feelings and experiences, please don't come on 'your experience supports my belief that...', 'believe my diagnosis and I'll tell you what to do', 'I used to think like you, but now I know better...'. Respect the individuality and the self-awareness of the person disclosing. Be their friend and equal.

Crossdreamers are much more likely to join an internet community and share their history and feelings if they won't feel that they will be pressurised into particular beliefs, or into doing or not doing certain things on account of political beliefs. Such freedom will help to build up a more honest picture of crossdreaming than one in which attitudes encourage certain elements to be emphasised and others kept quiet.

The truth about the causes of crossdreaming lies somewhere in the deep recesses of our psyches where sexuality is born. Isn't it rather conceited to claim that we understand it? Most people believe what they like to believe, and are influenced by the collective beliefs of the communities to which they belong. Careful, open-minded, intelligent student of all the arguments is rare. Agnosticism leads to tolerance, whereas assertive conviction in one's own beliefs is liable to lead to intolerance, especially if the conviction masks unconscious insecurity.

Respect for those with beliefs different from yourself is crucial. The empathy of equals is worth far more than 'I know what's best for you' advice. xx

Debbie advises youths to get laid

Are there any youngsters in the audience? I'm over twenty-five myself, and I'd like to condesecendingly proffer you advice.

Firstly, don't write off your male self. Whatever your inner psychological make-up, your male self has evolved through your relating to the outside world. As such, it is an important part of the real you; it is not a mask.

Don't give up on your esteem as a male, as a result of bad experiences in your family or at school. Most areas of adult life are less tough than school. You can find happiness and meaning in adult pursuits that do not involve being macho.

Secondly, do explore active heterosexuality (i.e. sex and love with actual women, not porn). Give it a chance. Give yourself a chance to get into this activity that so many people are into so much. Don't think 'I'm a crossdreamer, it's not for me'. You don't know until you've tried it, and tried more than just one or two disappointing times.

If you are shy, it's hard. The only way to overcome shyness if through experience, but through experience shyness can be overcome. It's unlikely that crossdreaming will go away, but shyness often does. Don't use crossdreaming as an excuse not to challenge your shyness.

Enjoy a heterosexual love life parallel to private crossdreaming. The two can be thoroughly complementary.

Don't worry if you have crossdreaming fantasies during sex. Most people have fantasies during sex. Crossdreaming ones are no more disloyal to your partner than hetero ones, in fact less so because you are not mentally rejecting her for another woman.

If eventually you feel that at a deep level heterosexuality doesn't feel quite right and you'd prefer to concentrate on crossdreaming, then do that. Eventually. You will be making an informed choice. You won't spend the rest of your life wondering wistfully what it would be like to have a female lover.

Just be very wary of big commitments like marriage or children.

I wouldn't recommend a life lived without experience of alloerotic love. It broadens you, can relieve you of emotional isolation. It might not be as brilliant as crossdreaming, but it's not bad. xx

Writer girl

Read me, reader, read me. Enter into my naked self-expression, and consume me.

Read my mind, read my body. Read all over my skin. Read the writing all over my breasts, up and down my legs. Kiss it, lick it off, take it into you.

The secret princesses

We are the secret princesses.

I know it seems weird to be sexually femme when we are outwardly male, but it just is true that we are. And it's not so uncommon either, there are loads of us princesses.

I know it seems presumptuous to assume royal status, but if we're not the princesses of our own inner worlds then who is?

A beautiful sisterhood with a delicious secret. I feel such a bond with the rest of you crossdreamers - my people. It'd be nice if we could detect each other as we pass in the supermarket, unrecognised by those unfortunate enough to not be princesses.

Or maybe we should have been born with tiaras on our foreheads. We could have been educated in  colleges that respected our special character, revered by others for our special trans status.

In any case it's lovely being an inner princess. I'd make the most of it if I were you. xxx

Magic gown

I have a magic gown. It is so beautiful. It is so proudly, elegantly, magnificently, deliciously feminine.

When I wear it I become so beautiful, so proudly, elegantly, magnificently, deliciously feminine.

My body and spirit transform to match the gown. I am its bride. When I wear it I become it. It becomes me.

But magic comes at a cost. My gorgeous gown possesses me, controls me.

In my gown I am dancing, but I am not leading the dance. To where am I being danced?