Against interpretation

It is well known in counselling that the thing to do is not to tell the counsellee what to do. Nor to tell them why they are experiencing the feelings they are sharing.

The thing to do is to listen with respect. To affirm them through witnessing their disclosure with acceptance.We can all do this. No counselling training necessary.

In time the counsellee will gain confidence. Then the counsellor and counsellee will become peers. They can mutually affirm through supportive listening. Witnessing each other becomes a crucial contact, a connection that rescues from isolation.

Through such relationships a community can form.

What isn't so helpful is smartarse interpretation. Coming on as the expert psychologist, 'I've got insight into you'; or treating someone as a case study, wrangling with another adviser over whether the person's experience supports your precious theory or theirs.

So when you read a crossdreamer describing their most personal feelings and experiences, please don't come on 'your experience supports my belief that...', 'believe my diagnosis and I'll tell you what to do', 'I used to think like you, but now I know better...'. Respect the individuality and the self-awareness of the person disclosing. Be their friend and equal.

Crossdreamers are much more likely to join an internet community and share their history and feelings if they won't feel that they will be pressurised into particular beliefs, or into doing or not doing certain things on account of political beliefs. Such freedom will help to build up a more honest picture of crossdreaming than one in which attitudes encourage certain elements to be emphasised and others kept quiet.

The truth about the causes of crossdreaming lies somewhere in the deep recesses of our psyches where sexuality is born. Isn't it rather conceited to claim that we understand it? Most people believe what they like to believe, and are influenced by the collective beliefs of the communities to which they belong. Careful, open-minded, intelligent student of all the arguments is rare. Agnosticism leads to tolerance, whereas assertive conviction in one's own beliefs is liable to lead to intolerance, especially if the conviction masks unconscious insecurity.

Respect for those with beliefs different from yourself is crucial. The empathy of equals is worth far more than 'I know what's best for you' advice. xx