T-introvert

Reading some t-blogs threatens to make me feel really feeble. Some of them have the character of 'I knew I was trans from an early age and I just went for it, despite the common antipathy: I transitioned as soon as I could and now I'm out and about all over the place, proudly trans and combating all hostility'. These writers have been true to themselves as well as courageous and inspiring.

For me, however, I think that I am never being truer to myself than when I am a passive, contemplative introvert, weighing up conflicting opinions and not coming to confident conclusions. Many see this as weakness, many see this as just boring. So be it. It would be weaker still just to accept their attitude as right and apologise, or to pretend to be the 'go for it' sort of character that I just am not.

My trans journey is unusually introverted. Many would regard this as cowardly. I have given rationales on Mirror Sister (it's about challenging the attitude that outer is real and inner mere fantasy). I do, think, on balance, that my introspective path is right for the person I am. I am a thoroughgoing introvert: introverts see the world differently from extroverts. Many assume that introverts are merely suppressed extroverts. In my case, at least,  I genuinely doubt that this is true. I am not too shy to have good extrovert experience. I have enjoyed good extrovert experience. On the whole, though, I prefer good introvert experience.

The commendable  Lady In My Dreams blog had a great post about this, here.

I was thrilled to discover the concept of crossdreaming last year, thanks to Jack Molay's Crossdreamers website and the forum he established, Crossdream Life. You could be a trans person without being transsexual or even a crossdresser: oh, that's wonderful, because that's me! It's easy to see why transsexuals and crossdressers might look down upon crossdreamers as being rather feeble. I can appreciate that attitude. Yet there are a lot of us non-crossdressing crossdreamers in the world. I am one, and here, on Mirror Sister and on Crossdream Life I am expressing myself as one of them. We have a right to exist and to express ourselves in public. I respect and admire transsexuals and crossdressers but I do not aspire to becoming one, and I really do not think that this is out of mere cowardice.

The introverted nature of crossdreaming might make the notion of a crossdreaming community seem contrary. This is where the internet has changed fundamentals. The introverted self can express herself to other introverted selves online. This can be very beneficial, for few introverts are rarely so thoroughgoing that they don't desire any kind of contact with others at all.

Crossdream Life struggles somewhat though. Many newcomers, like myself, express their excitement at having discovered the site, realising that they are not so unique, and needn't be so alone. Beyond this declaration of belonging, though, it's hard to know how to develop as a member of the site. Most of those who sound very keen at first drop out before too long. Partly this is because, I imagine, a lot of crossdreamers actually have mixed feelings: accepting their trans natures for a while and then wanting to reject them. Partly the problem is that message boards have their limitations as sites for interactions. People either just write about themselves, or else argue with others. Debating opinions  is a rather masculine pastime, I think. There's also the problem, though, that a lot of contributors don't feel good about their AGP, which at times has made even me think that if it's as bad as they make out, then I ought to give it a wide berth. Some think AGP indicates they'll be unhappy until they transition. Others think of it as a curse that damages their masculine self-image and interferes with their heterosexual love life. Others portray it as an unhealthy, all-consuming addiction. As a community we've got a long way to go before we fully respect ourselves, let alone gain the respect of others.

Yet Crossdream Life has been very important to me, as it is where I go in order to be an active crossdreamer. I feel 'I am a crossdreamer' in a different way when I am on the site than when I am alone in bed. For all my introversion, putting my inner self out amongst others in some way still feels very important. If I do that here, it make me less dependent upon Crossdream Life, which I log into more often than the amount of new posts merits.

I shall end with a defiant championing of introversion: I am an introvert, and I am trans. I am a t-introvert.

T-introverts, let us unite in mutual support and sisterly solidarity! xx