Between thought and expression

Oh what delay, what kerfuffle between having the idea for this second blog and actually starting it.

That's on one side of the screen. On the other side is you. On the screen are these words, with an existence of their own.

Realisation - to make something real. A thought is a real thought, but something actually created in the world has a different status. By publishing these words, I create something that is outside of me. That feels a bit scary. Better keep it all in the cosy, safe interior, I am inclined to think.

Yet there is something making me want to write this.

This parallels my trans inclinations. Something within me motivates them, something beneath my overt conscious thinking. I am impelled from within. I like that. It's sexy.

Why  a second blog? I think Mirror Sister has become too public-faced. It has quite a few readers, most of then probably just those who clink on links at T-Central, Crossdreamers.com or The Autogynephilia Portal, have a swift look, make a swift judgement and then never return. As a blogger promoted on these more popular trans blogs I feel a responsibility to present my trans themes in a positive way, and also a desire to protect my private feelings from such casual exposure. The issue I worry about most is that Mirror Sister is sub-titled A Crossdreamer's Journal, and there are trans people, who might well read T-Central, who do not approve of  crossdreamers.  I don't want to take on arguments about this (arguments rarely improve anything). Crossdreamers.com does a good job of stating the case for crossdreaming. Furthermore, with Mirror Sister being promoted at Crossdreamers.com and The Autegynephilia Portal, and there not being that many non-porn explicitly crossdreamer blogs very active, I feel like a bit of an ambassadress for crossdreaming, so I want to present it positively, and not have readers exposed to very personal stuff which might on occasion not present crossdreaming well (we all have our ups and downs), and might on occasion having nothing to do with trans.

Less specifically, I am not very thick-skinned about being in front of an audience. I find it hard to act/write as if they weren't there, knowing that they are. And yet I am choosing to publish what I could keep completely private.

Mirror Sister started rather like what I hope Deborah Descends might become: an honest dialogue with muself about the trans within me. But as it, flatteringly, acquired links, it moved towards more vague, semi-poetic sentiments that said little about myself. Most of these were deliberately affirmative, celebrations of trans, to counteract the unhappiness expressed by those struggling with gender dysphoria and other difficulties (who have my total sympathy), and those pointing the political finger at people in the mass media who use the word 'tranny' etc. (I find such bloggers rather zealous). I hope Mirror Sister still has a function and a future: it's quite flattering to me that I have readers. But, at the same time, lets see where Deborah Descends takes me.