Mixed thoughts

I am back here with mixed thoughts. Old, mixed thoughts, as I had when I'd been doing Mirror Sister for a month or so. On the one hand this feels so vital, it feels where it's at. It's where I can be creative in a way I feel confident with, i.e. writing, and it feels like addressing an important subject boldly. It feels like moving forward, while the rest of my life is stagnating. It feels like being radical, while most of my other radicalism has gone sceptical. And regardless of these rationalisations I feel drawn towards it, it has excitement and vitality for me.

The less happy side is that it reduces the world to a computer screen; it's sad that the big round world aside from the computer just isn't doing it for me, in what might be a healthier, fuller way. In the past I have had reactions against computer-fixation and stopped communicating online for periods. But my alternative pleasures were rather passive: reading, walking, eating. I think a yin-yang balance of active and passive might be most healthiest.  But it's an odd dichotomy: creatively active, while sedentary and stationary, versus moving about in a fuller world while creativity and passion ossify.

Also I feel a little that I am exposing my introspection without really putting my creativity in a productive arena that fosters further creativity and general goodness. Even in Mirror Sister I've seldom had comments that have developed into substantial dialogue, and even when blog comment discussions do develop in a big way (on other blogs) they become, rather like message board debates, arenas of petty hostility where people just assert their own position and respond abrasively to contrary positions. Do people actually feel good as a result of such discussions?

So I feel uncertain about where this semi-public self-exploration might take me, and whether I'll enjoy going there and being there. Right now it's raining, so I feel a bit gloomy.