Nervously delighted, in a rubber ring

... and yet I remain surprised and nervously delighted at this wonderful free space, this protected womb in which I can be myself on my own terms yet be on display, therefore providing the circumstance with a semblance of that vital force, human mutual connection.

Here I am, readers, here I am, here. Here I am, Deborah.

And now the trans bit:

And what gender am I? Female, female, female. What a conceit this might seem, yet to me the voice crying out 'female! female! female!' feels so deep that it moves me almost to tears.

Oh how I piddle around in my life. Maybe that's the human condition, or something. Yet there still feels a contrasting, thrilling energy in direct expression: 'Here I am, Deborah Kate, female, writing what I really feel.'

And so what do you feel, Deborah?

I am feeling the pleasant sensation of floating on an ocean of creative freedom, reclining decadently on a lovely rubber ring of self-reflexivity, thank you very much for asking. x x

Deborah's ascent

...and yet I am feeling happy and very pleased to be Deborah. I am wanting to share this with you.  

Love to you all (and to one person in particular),
Debs x x x

A brief hello within the silence

Oh, private diary blogging is a strange kind of squaring of introverted/extroverted impulses, isn't it?  Exhibitionist introspection. It seems too simple a way forward. Disquietingly simple.

Laying myself bare in front of you all. I like it a little bit, but also I am wary and somewhat embarrassed.

I think I like the gap protecting the inner self from outer expression.

And yet...

Soft, soft, soft

If there is one characteristic that most appeals to me in the feminine it is softness.

I love the softness I perceive in the feminine.

I love my own feminine softness.

I just love softness. I want to be soft, soft, soft. I want the world to be soft, soft, soft.

I know you are supposed to want a yin/yang balance of soft and hard. Yin/yang balances are boring, aren' t they? Go for what you really like.

Certain areas thrive on contrast. My aesthetic taste, my taste in food, aren't exclusively soft. And (but I think this is unfortunate, to put it mildly) we need hardness in order to negotiate this hard world better, of course. But generally to want a balance of soft and hard seems to me like wanting a balance of peace and war.

When a character in some story is lambasted for being too soft I instinctively sypathise/empathise. For instance, King Edward's gay son in the film Braveheart, who prefers wearing pretty clothes to fighting battles. Oh wouldn't it be good if the whole world preferred wearing pretty clothes to fighting battles?

In my sexual fantasies I am all soft. In fact I think of my sexuality as a big softness inside me that sometimes gets activated.

Being a victim on account of softness feels sexy to me. It also feels like a kind of martyrdom for the belief in softness.

Oh meet my softness...

Deborah is

Perhaps I am a woman trapped in a computer...

Perhaps I am only given freedom of expression when Mirror Brother condescends to log on. Otherwise the only hold I have over Mirror Brother is through his sexuality. Quite a big hold, huh? But actually our relationship is a good one, isn't in, bro? It's not like jailer and captive at all.

In fact I am not a captive. The only restriction upon me is external reality, a heavy restriction even for the most free people. Kind Mr Blogger has even given me this free space in which to express whatever I like to an anonymous audience.

(HI AUDIENCE! HOW ARE YOU DOING? THANK YOU FOR SPENDING THIS MOMENT WITH ME, WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH ELSE YOU COULD BE DOING. FEEL FREE TO LEAVE A FRIENDLY WORD IN THE COMMENTS SECTION.  LOVE AND KISSES FROM DEBS XXX)

Perhaps I am fed up with questioning who I am, why I am. As I write I feel genuine. Not real as in verifiably evident in the external world, but genuine. And right now I am definitely not existing in order to give Mirror Brother sexual stimulation.

Mirror Brother sees me in women, in pictures of women. He looks at them and thinks 'this woman's appearance expresses something in the character of Mirror Sister (aka Deborah)'.

But what is the truth? Oh, I am so sick of 'What is the truth? What is the truth? What is the truth?'

My inner consciousness feels so deep within Mirror Brother, so far removed from what is externally evident, it would be quite as distinct from the outer persona even if it were masculine. But some deep, deep instinct tells me that my inner self, if it has a gender at all, is female, female, female. This is an instinct, an impulse. If you are trans you probably have something similar.

What do I want to do? I ask my instincts. They say they want me to say to you, my readers, 'see me here, see me here, I am Deborah Kate, female.'

Some would think 'yes, okay, honey, we know you are female. Now please do something other than assert, justify and philosophise'. Others would say 'he claims to be female! What a preposterous conceit!' Oh, I don't  know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know for sure. Right now I just want to be steady, quiet, but calmly still present, gently reiterating 'here I am. I am Deborah Kate, female. Deborah  Kate, proud and happy to be female.' xx

Mixed thoughts

I am back here with mixed thoughts. Old, mixed thoughts, as I had when I'd been doing Mirror Sister for a month or so. On the one hand this feels so vital, it feels where it's at. It's where I can be creative in a way I feel confident with, i.e. writing, and it feels like addressing an important subject boldly. It feels like moving forward, while the rest of my life is stagnating. It feels like being radical, while most of my other radicalism has gone sceptical. And regardless of these rationalisations I feel drawn towards it, it has excitement and vitality for me.

The less happy side is that it reduces the world to a computer screen; it's sad that the big round world aside from the computer just isn't doing it for me, in what might be a healthier, fuller way. In the past I have had reactions against computer-fixation and stopped communicating online for periods. But my alternative pleasures were rather passive: reading, walking, eating. I think a yin-yang balance of active and passive might be most healthiest.  But it's an odd dichotomy: creatively active, while sedentary and stationary, versus moving about in a fuller world while creativity and passion ossify.

Also I feel a little that I am exposing my introspection without really putting my creativity in a productive arena that fosters further creativity and general goodness. Even in Mirror Sister I've seldom had comments that have developed into substantial dialogue, and even when blog comment discussions do develop in a big way (on other blogs) they become, rather like message board debates, arenas of petty hostility where people just assert their own position and respond abrasively to contrary positions. Do people actually feel good as a result of such discussions?

So I feel uncertain about where this semi-public self-exploration might take me, and whether I'll enjoy going there and being there. Right now it's raining, so I feel a bit gloomy.

T-introvert

Reading some t-blogs threatens to make me feel really feeble. Some of them have the character of 'I knew I was trans from an early age and I just went for it, despite the common antipathy: I transitioned as soon as I could and now I'm out and about all over the place, proudly trans and combating all hostility'. These writers have been true to themselves as well as courageous and inspiring.

For me, however, I think that I am never being truer to myself than when I am a passive, contemplative introvert, weighing up conflicting opinions and not coming to confident conclusions. Many see this as weakness, many see this as just boring. So be it. It would be weaker still just to accept their attitude as right and apologise, or to pretend to be the 'go for it' sort of character that I just am not.

My trans journey is unusually introverted. Many would regard this as cowardly. I have given rationales on Mirror Sister (it's about challenging the attitude that outer is real and inner mere fantasy). I do, think, on balance, that my introspective path is right for the person I am. I am a thoroughgoing introvert: introverts see the world differently from extroverts. Many assume that introverts are merely suppressed extroverts. In my case, at least,  I genuinely doubt that this is true. I am not too shy to have good extrovert experience. I have enjoyed good extrovert experience. On the whole, though, I prefer good introvert experience.

The commendable  Lady In My Dreams blog had a great post about this, here.

I was thrilled to discover the concept of crossdreaming last year, thanks to Jack Molay's Crossdreamers website and the forum he established, Crossdream Life. You could be a trans person without being transsexual or even a crossdresser: oh, that's wonderful, because that's me! It's easy to see why transsexuals and crossdressers might look down upon crossdreamers as being rather feeble. I can appreciate that attitude. Yet there are a lot of us non-crossdressing crossdreamers in the world. I am one, and here, on Mirror Sister and on Crossdream Life I am expressing myself as one of them. We have a right to exist and to express ourselves in public. I respect and admire transsexuals and crossdressers but I do not aspire to becoming one, and I really do not think that this is out of mere cowardice.

The introverted nature of crossdreaming might make the notion of a crossdreaming community seem contrary. This is where the internet has changed fundamentals. The introverted self can express herself to other introverted selves online. This can be very beneficial, for few introverts are rarely so thoroughgoing that they don't desire any kind of contact with others at all.

Crossdream Life struggles somewhat though. Many newcomers, like myself, express their excitement at having discovered the site, realising that they are not so unique, and needn't be so alone. Beyond this declaration of belonging, though, it's hard to know how to develop as a member of the site. Most of those who sound very keen at first drop out before too long. Partly this is because, I imagine, a lot of crossdreamers actually have mixed feelings: accepting their trans natures for a while and then wanting to reject them. Partly the problem is that message boards have their limitations as sites for interactions. People either just write about themselves, or else argue with others. Debating opinions  is a rather masculine pastime, I think. There's also the problem, though, that a lot of contributors don't feel good about their AGP, which at times has made even me think that if it's as bad as they make out, then I ought to give it a wide berth. Some think AGP indicates they'll be unhappy until they transition. Others think of it as a curse that damages their masculine self-image and interferes with their heterosexual love life. Others portray it as an unhealthy, all-consuming addiction. As a community we've got a long way to go before we fully respect ourselves, let alone gain the respect of others.

Yet Crossdream Life has been very important to me, as it is where I go in order to be an active crossdreamer. I feel 'I am a crossdreamer' in a different way when I am on the site than when I am alone in bed. For all my introversion, putting my inner self out amongst others in some way still feels very important. If I do that here, it make me less dependent upon Crossdream Life, which I log into more often than the amount of new posts merits.

I shall end with a defiant championing of introversion: I am an introvert, and I am trans. I am a t-introvert.

T-introverts, let us unite in mutual support and sisterly solidarity! xx