I do think there should be more focus on the phenomenology of crossdreaming, trans and dysphoria. It's not what you do, it's how you experience how you feel.
If you can detach yourself from it enough to study it, it's actually very interesting.
The t-feeling pulls me. That's the feeling. Not sure exactly where it pulls me to, but it pulls me. Maybe the great frustration is that it isn't actually pulling me to anywhere. You could say it pulls me towards wanting something which can't be provided.
But it pulls my identity all over the place. The t-feeling is within me, and it is bigger than my comprehension of it. Never have I belonged to anything so strongly. It is not a choice. Never have I felt so much, 'like it or not, understand it or not, this is who I am'. It is not a choice. Everything else about me can be turned inside out, but the t-feeling seems fundamental.
It's in control, and I am more than happy to surrender to it. But there appear to be no terms of surrender. Just the pull, getter gradually stronger and stronger...
But then it recedes...for a while...
Yes, the surging and receding of t-feelings is pretty common, isn't it. A lot of transfeminine people call this the "pink fog", which drifts in and swirls around and over everything and then drifts away again. My own term is "femme tides". Now I'm wondering whether there are "butch tides". Does this affect transmasculine folks as well? I've never actually thought to ask anyone that before.
ReplyDeleteHi J! xx
ReplyDelete'Pink fog', 'femme tides' - nice terms. I wonder why it is tidal?
I feel a good bond with all the other t-fems who experience these tides. There's no self-evident reason for the tidal nature our femmeness: it's something particular, something special, even mysterious that we have in common. xxx
Yes, my feelings come and go, too, which is evidently very common among transgender people. I've wondered lately if there are other somewhat-similar "conditions" (for lack of a better word, sorry, I don't like it either) that people have. For example, if one is bisexual? Maybe for them being solidly gay/lesbian is like knowing that one is transexual? Or maybe transgender is completely unique and on its own... Ah, another of life's imponderables.
ReplyDelete