Fantasy girl in reality jungle

I have been reading my earliest Mirror Sister posts, from three years ago. It strikes me how good they are IMHO, how they say most of what I've been trying to say for three years, particularly well. The odd bit I'd change now, but not much.

Ah, it was all so fresh then - the crossdreaming identity and blogging as a medium of self-expression. 'Hubris, imagination and desire'!

Look at all this, first published on 2 November 2011:


'To see what is the lack in reality, there you see subjectivity. To confront subjectivity is to confront femininity. Woman is the subject. Masculinity is a fake. Masculinity is an escape from the most radical nightmarish version of subjectivity.' Slavoj Zizek

I like the sound of that one, even if I'm far from sure what it means exactly.

I have been watching a DVD of Slavoj Zizek's The Pervert's Guide To Cinema, which is a lecture illustrating Zizek's postmodern psychoanalytic ideas through his readings of scenes from films. Zizek's portrayal of the unconscious is enticing, liberating, frightening and depressing. In a word, it is dark.

I enjoy seeing this sharp intellectual dismissing the 'real world', in which Mirror Brother struggles so gamely, as a shallow fraud. Yet the deeper reality of the subconscious is truly terrifying. What can sweet Deborah possibly be within it, other than a poor Little Girl Lost? As Zizek puts it: 'It starts with "dreams are for those who cannot endure - are not strong enough for - reality". It ends with "reality is for those who are not strong enough to endure - to confront - their dreams".

Of course gender gets hopelessly twisted once the 'reality' of the external body is discarded.

Like many philosophers, Zizek performs impressive intellectual geometry, without troubling himself too much with substantial evidence. Nevertheless, much of what he says rings true for me.

The interior realm of fantasy and desire lures me. Especially as so much of the exterior world is either ugly or boring.

For me crossdreaming is not just about femininity, it is also about introversion. The auto- aspect of autogynephilia might seem unhealthy and selfish, but, unromantically, I do agree with Zizek that love of another is so much about projection. I sometimes think that it might be a kind of abuse of the other to involve them in all the intensity and complexity of one's own libidinal issues. What might Mirror Brother project on to women? Best let Deborah receive it; let the others be, to deal with their own issues.

The id manifests itself most keenly in sexuality. My sexuality is female, female, female.

I want to go there. Darkness ahoy - maybe. But it is the truer reality.'


Heady stuff!

So much of what I've written has been about asserting the 'truer reality' of crossdreaming fantasies. This is not the same as equating them with rl femaleness.

Now,though, I feel that reality's heavy hand has left me in a cul-de-sac. How to develop the fantasies, without compromising them with reality's strictures? Writing in a blog does not seem sufficient. The online realm is not quite the realm of dreams.

But there is so much vitality, so much self, in sexuality and fantasy.

Still a lost girl - maybe not so little - in the inevitable space between reality and desire. xxx