Yes I am following the familiar trajectory of someone who gradually shifts from identifying as having sexual trans fantasies (i.e. 'crossdreamer') to identifying as generally transgender.
My thinking about this is that what is moving me down this path is something deeper than cerebral thought; that any articulation of the changing attitude would be mere rationalisation.
Intellectually I have analysed interpretations of crossdreaming and transgender, and my conclusion is a great big question mark.
So I instruct my intellectual analysis stand aside. I go with a deeper flow. Let others analyse me as I swim. My beliefs stem from my movement, they do not stand aside to assess it.
So I am a t-girl.
I acknowledge and respect the boy parts of who I am, but they are not my deep identity.
This is not actually a proud claim; in fact it feels a little shamefaced. This is because I am coming to a realization about myself which others realized about themselves in the very early years of their lives.
Slow on the uptake, Debbie.
To identify as a crossdreamer was easy, once I'd encountered the term (thanks Jack!), because it was objectively verifiable that I did crossdream. But all t-people have to go on is an inner feeling that flies in the face of the body, education and cultural pressure.
So I am not the most forthright or confident of t-girls. But t-girl I AM. xxx
Given the complexity of sex, gender and gender identity, and the science in this area being very much an unfinished business, yours is the only way forward, as I see it.
ReplyDeleteWe have to listen to our heart, to our own Self (which is something much larger than our fragile ego). And if that voice insist on you being a girl, in spite of all attempts at fighting it, avoiding it or going around it, well, then that is what you are.
So good luck to you girl!
Oh thanks Jack! xxx
ReplyDeleteI agree with your post and Jack's comment completely. As a youngster I think I qualified as at least mildly gender dysphoric (according to the DSM), in puberty and adulthood as a crossdreamer, and now, realizing that all along I was truly transgender. I think that in some ways I wanted "it" to be a fetish because I was scared of what it might mean if what I really wanted was to be female. That's what I told my first wife and early on, my second. If it was "only a fetish" then, maybe, I could cure myself of it. But now, with the perspective of decades, lots of introspection and curiosity, I'm aware of what I am. It's still hard to admit at times because of cultural training I think.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should feel at all awkward or bad that you were "not the most forthright or confident of t-girls" whatsoever. You are on your journey which is valid for you. You go, girl!
Emma