Diver descends

Exploring my oceans of inner self, below a certain level in my psyche I suffer a sea-change.

Into something rich and strange.

Into the femme... splash, shudder, gulp... ooh, lovely. What beauty to explore. Soft, pastel, delicate, sensitive, subtle.

The diver transforms to match the territory.

A pleasure, a duty to oneself, a bold adventure.

And there's a cave. At the far end of it are other divers.

The cave entrance is shaped like a computer.

Meet me in magical transformative cyberwater. xxx

cd-girl

I am a cd-girl. Yes, that's what I am.

'cd' stands for 'crossdreaming' of course.

I have coined the term because on the one hand it presents the female identification upfront; on the other, it contextualises it within mtf crossdreaming, so doesn't assert an actual membership of the classes transsexuals (t-girl) or females (girl). And 'girl' sounds sexier than 'woman' to me.

Crossdreaming gender identification can be awkward. The identification is what it's all about. The identification is your sexuality and therefore your right. It doesn't have to be justified by any belief in objective womanhood. The f identification creates the stimulation, which can be a deeply liberating, subtle and interesting feeling, not just a shallow thrill. And if you are a crossdreamer you ARE a cd-girl, i.e. you DO identify as f within your sexuality (an important, deep and revealing area, as I keep on insisting), even if acknowledging this at other times might make you uncomfortable.

You owe it to your inner female and your sexuality to acknowledge that you are a cd-girl, to identify at least sometimes as her, rather than as a male with an issue.

Kisses,
Debs xxx

Like it or not, in my sexuality I am every bit as girly as the females in all these pictures I upload

Deborah ghost

I am a ghost. I advise you not to deny my existence, nor to treat me as a flesh-and-blood living human. My existence is intrusive yet elusive, powerful yet insubstantial.

If you don't try to pin me down I can be your friend, be fun for you. You can appreciate my strange beauty.

But that's your business. I carry on regardless of your attitude.

As for me, well, how do you think it feels to live as a ghost?

Deborah Ascends: Feelings, actions, beliefs, qualifications

There are feelings, there are actions and there are beliefs.

Here on this blog I want to express my trans feelings, in all their femme glory.

How to act upon those feelings, beyond writing a blog, is difficult to decide.

What are my beliefs about trans? Oh, the beliefs are not really part of the feelings, nor is expressing them the really satisfying action. Debating beliefs slides the project away from getting into my femininity towards the pleasure of intellectual debate. Not a particularly femme pleasure is it?

I feel I have spent too much time in such debate. Hence the non-intellectual style of recent posts.

Yet lest there are readers critiquing the validity of my assertions in the previous post (not evident from the comments department), here once again are some intellectual qualifications.

The claim of inner femaleness is an expression of deep feeling. It is not a scientific claim or a political demand.

I do not believe that I - the whole of me - is female, because I maintain that there is a lot more to gender than just self-interpretation of the inner self. I do not have a female body and I have not had the experience of living as a woman. So I am not one.

Without any scientific claim to support it, is my identifying my inner self as female not a conceit? I would say no more than is a man's identifying his inner self as male.

I feel strongly that there is nothing wrong (as opposed to difficult) about an inner self /outer self discrepancy. It creates greater gender understanding and acceptance, I would think.

And sexuality? It is Freud's eros, a  force pulsing vitally through life. Locating one's inner gender there doesn't marginalise or invalidate it.   .

But identifying as inwardly feminine can be a wider, more important project than just a specialised way of attaining orgasm. It surely affects one's self-image profoundly, and why shouldn't it? It is a choice, a bold one in spite of much. In fact it is an important action in response to deep feelings, more than it is a belief.

Deborah Ascends: Born again female

One of the most powerful, moving feelings I have is when I consider all the trans feelings I have had in my past, starting from a very early age.

I am proud of these feelings. I am a little in awe of them. They were so utterly internal; not derived from my social environment and not compatible with it I didn't nurture or encourage them, I didn't appreciate their significance, I rather marginalised them.

Only looking back now, linking then all together, do I see their full force. It is a force that still directs, impels me, makes me do certain things while I am unclear of my conscious motivation.  

My trans feelings are very deep, very instinctive.

I feel motherly towards my child self who experienced them. I want to hold her, affirm her, love her.

I want to honour her feelings by seeing them through into maturity.

And my trans feelings are beautiful.

I think femininity is lovely, I am so thrilled to be feminine.


erotic identity

My trans erotic identity comes from deep within me. It indicates something fundamental about my inner self.

I am not a man with a fetish.

'Fetish' belittles crossdreaming sexuality.

The erotic identity does challenge an essential masculine identification.

I have a male body and I have experienced life as a male, which has greatly influenced my character. But this does not mean that my inner self is essentially masculine, as society would have me believe. My erotic identity suggests otherwise, and I do not feel a deep sense of essential masculinity.


inner in her

In comprehending your inner realm you are largely on your own. You don't see other people's inner realms. But the inner realm is vast, it is not just an introjection, a shadow of the outer realm. You have to have confidence in your own introspective investigations.

And ultimately your inner realm is autonomous. You declare its truths, because you reign there. Or even if you are not quite monarch of your inner realm, you are at least its chief interpreter, and you are the kingdom it reigns over.

So, what is the gender of my inner self:

'Female! female! female!' she shouts exunberantly. Oh what a deep instinct reaches the controls to answer that question.

(Qualifications for intellectual nitpickers will follow in another post. But I am sick of qualifications - defensive spoilsports that evade the deep and beautiful truth.)

To be sure, it's an inner self that has been influenced by masculine conditioning. Not necessarily always for the worst. But it's time to minimalise the internalising of the conditioning, to expand the inner space in which the femaleness indicated by my erotic identity, by my trans feelings past and present, can grow and flourish.

One means of expansion is giving my inner self written expression in this blog. This blog is written by my inner self, Deborah. I am Deborah and I am a girl. Wheeee!

I am Deborah and I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl,. I am a girl.I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl, I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl.I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl,. i am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl,. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl, I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. Yesss!

Deborah Ascends: Femme uprising

My journey into my femininity has been wayward, erratic, restless.

What seems like a deep truth one day might not feel at all right the next.

I started Deborah Descends as an escape from the earnestness, positivity and general cleanness of Mirror Sister. I wanted to be free to be dirty.

The descent motif partly indicated a decline into becoming possessed by my own sexual feelings. This to me is a sexy notion in itself.

But at times, including now, I have felt the association of femininity with debauchery abusive.

My femme inner self, Deborah, is a sensitive character finally exploring a little freedom of expression.

I, Deborah, am a sensitive character finally exploring a little freedom of expression. I am not just a sex object.

I am claiming my space. I am rising.

we can only be special

obviously the gender binary constricts, contorts, oppresses.

everyone should be liberated from cultural expectations of gender.

some of us though do not need internal liberation, only external license.

we have instinctively trans-cended the oppression.

we don't fit in with cultural gender expectations (which are crap).

we don't fit in with orthodox sexuality (which is so narrow).

the most oppressive societal attitude though is that towards people who don't fit in.

those who don't fit in should be the educators.

we are special.

if you are trans you can never be either an ordinary woman or an ordinary man. you can only be special.

that the world doesn't acknowledge us as special is a fault of the world.

we just have to appreciate our own specialness without the world's assistance.