Reaching out tired

“I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."   Anais Nin 

Bit of an overstatement there perhaps, Anais, but I sort of  know what you mean. 

[painting: Boreas by John Waterhouse]

Little pink flags

How I love the sense of trans-sisterhood with my fellow mtf crossdreamers. The sense that I belong to a tribe, and that the distinctive characteristics that we have in common determine much of what I am, what I do and how I feel.

This blog features lots of navel-gazing, doesn't it? But actually it's great to think that at the far side of my navel is not a proudly individual character but a type. This may seem contrary but actually I like it, it's a relief and a kind of freedom from self-determination.

I like the idea that Deborah exists within me regardless of my attitude towards her. I like the idea, which to quite an extent I actually believe, that Deborah summons me into expressing her, controlling my conscious mind with a power than stems from somewhere within deeper than my consciousness. Yet however deeply psychological this power might be, other crossdreamers recognise it because its within them too: 'oh yes, she's doing that, I know that one'; 'oh yes, she's having exactly that crossdreamy feeling I know so well'.

I love the idea that you out there know Deborah only from Deborah's online self-expression. Mirror Brother is excluded from vision, yet rather than this creating a false perception it might create a truer vision of unmediated Deborah than the one that Mirror Brother sees himself.

In other words, I am Deborah writing this. Mirror Brother is just my amanuensis (a man you and sis?).

I love the thought of the trans-sisterhood partying in the magical alter-realm of the internet, leaving our bodies behind and becoming our avatars. It is real, just a different real.

I wish we could detect each other in rl though. I wish our special crossdreamed eyes could detect little pink flags sticking out of our trans-sisters, as we sit opposite them on trains etc. Then we would blink and they would reappear as their true t-female selves, as we would to them of course.

The bond of pink blood is truly special. We are special, with our special inner selves that are free from gender confinement.

Ghostess

I honour the urge to be Deborah: the feeling of vitality, of urgency, of touching the depths of me that accompanies it.

Being Deborah needs regular reaffirmation. I don't reject or deny Deborah, but affirmation needs to be more active than mere acceptance: 'yes, crossdreaming is my sexuality; yes, I have a female sub-personality inside me, but now to get on with regular business...'.

But what does Deborah do? Well, she writes this blog.

I know she could plunge into new online social arenas. But I'm too introverted to care for plunging into new social arenas.

Yes I have commented on crossdreaming issues galore at Crossdream Life at the crossdreaming reddit and at Jack Molay's blog; I have commented well, I believe, and as the community around those parts is small I think I might have had some influence. But most of the time my comments have been those of an intellectual commentator, they haven't been an expression or exploration of my t-femininity in themselves.

So I don't really know where to take Deborah. I fear this blog may become repetitive, if it isn't already.

The Deborah moments come and go. When they've gone, I think 'why bother with this extra dimension? Haven't I got enough on my plate without it?' I remember reading Quentin Crisp writing of how much time he and his queen friends could save if they stopped their quest for sexual satisfaction through cruising for encounters. I don't cruise, but my situation seems parallel.  

Do I compartmentalise my life? Absolutely. Any attempt to impose unity and consistency on the self seems false and forlorn. For me there is no hierarchy of real and false parts of self.

Deborah is a kind of ghost. What do ghosts do? Not a lot; mostly they just manifest their existence, and leave it that.

I am a ghost within a man, and within your computer.  x x x

Ceremony

Deborah Kate, are you ready to descend to the next stage of inner femininity?

I am.

Do you love and cherish your pink femme blood?

I do.

Do you promise to see the world more and more through Mirror Sister's eyes?

I do.

Will you retain your femme convictions, in trouble and in joy?

I will.

Will you write 'femme' in lipstick all over your body?

I will.

Deborah Kate, are you a girl?

I am.

Deborah Kate, I hereby pronounce you woman and girl.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Let the party commence...

Eyes of the beholder

I look into women's eyes and they look into me.

The eyes cry 'Deborah'.

They see into me; they see Deborah inside me. No fooling them, no hiding Deborah from them. They see Deborah and Deborah sees them. Mirror Brother can only stand out of the gaze, or be pierced right through.

Deborah's appearance is all in projection. Lacking her own body, she manifests in those of other women.

This has nothing to do with actual other women, I know. What is the femininity that Deborah identifies with to them? I don't know. But to me it opens up a realm of deeper meaning, deeper pleasure, deeper potential. How do I utilise this realm, incorporate it into the rest of life, which - for better or worse -  cannot be abandoned? Difficult. But it's important, and it is definitely there.

Even more strongly Deborah is activated by the eyes of other crossdreamers. The invisible sisterhood. We see, we feel the deep truth in each others' femme identities. Here we do have a real sense of how each other feels. The selected avatar reveals the inner person more keenly than external appearance could.

The other reality. Come join me there, trans-sisters. x x

Deborah unsilenced

I must remember the keen sense I have when writing here of being a suppressed voice. A voice of someone who's spent a lifetime silent and imprisoned.

I must remember that writing as Debbie makes me feel more vital, more youthful, more purposeful, more hopeful.

I must remember the instinctive feeling I get when I sense that a woman's appearance is expressing something within me. I must remember the unusual sense of belonging I get when I encounter other crossdreamers. We are family.

Now where to take Debbie? Somewhere better than male masturbation? Somewhere grounded and steady, not a naughty thrill used and abandoned. Not somewhere angry or self-pitiful.

Somewhere where I am soft yet strong.

Debbie's story continues.


[picture by Nicolay Bessonov]

Girlifesto

I've just been reading my post of 13 February, Debbie's serious thoughts of the month. I don't like it. I haven't changed my mind about the opinions expressed, I just don't like the tone. It's like I'm a big political leader canvassing for influence.

How did I get into that position?

Well I suppose the crossdreaming community still qualifies as nascent, and so it is open to influence. My take 'how can we best enjoy the female within us / our crossdreaming sexuality?', uncontroversial though it seems, turns out to be up against 'crossdreamers need to do something to rescue themselves from their awful predicament', either through (a) curing the affliction, to become proper men, or (b) transitioning, to become proper women.  I see a potential for freeing up of oppressive gender binaries, as the self develops opportunities to diversify in the new world of cyberspace. But others want a unitary self - inner, outer, online, offline, sexual, non-sexual - all consistent and all definitely either m or  f. Fair enough, that's their choice, but when individuals seek to push others firmly into either the m or f camp, I don't like it.

I also think that our fragile little community can easily be torn apart by bitter fighting about the cause of crossdreaming, which takes attention away from the sheer affirmation that we are crossdreamers; a crucial affirmation, not one that merely begs a contentious question. Yet when it does come to serious psychological interpretation, my intellectual honesty opposes the imposition of a standard, comfortable belief upon the community.

But in taking a strong line I stick a wall in front of my own openness to all the conflicting currents within me. Let Debbie be blown hither and thither.

On reflection, by insisting on the centrality of crossdreaming sexuality I might have sounded too much like a man who owns a 'fetish' but is still proud of their masculinity. That's not me at all. I'm just against trans people downplaying the sexuality, because seeing my sexuality being downplayed doesn't feel good. I don't like the attitude that trans people must either be honourable biological transsexuals or else perverts who give trans a bad name. That attitude disdains people for having a sexuality which they did not choose and is not about harming others. It is my sexuality.

But I don't mean don't develop your inner woman, I don't mean just be a man with a fetish.

I say develop your inner woman, without making any scientific claim about her. Loosen the chains of cultural gender norms this way. Write as your inner woman, not just as a man saying 'this is what turns me on'. And yes, your inner-woman feelings might well not be sexual.

But don't be quick to disown your outer man. Your outer man is the part of you that's grown through contact with the world. It is not false. My good sister Jaya puts it well here.

As for me, I definitely get something good and important from asserting here now, as a voice within a complex person, 'I am Debbie, I am female. I am not an expert commentator on trans: I am trans.'

I write not as a sexual fantasy, but as the androgynous person who has the sexual fantasies (but has much more besides), with the female part in control of the keyboard.

Solidarity trans-sisters! Lets hold hands.

Love and kisses from t-girl Debbie x x x