Being Deborah needs regular reaffirmation. I don't reject or deny Deborah, but affirmation needs to be more active than mere acceptance: 'yes, crossdreaming is my sexuality; yes, I have a female sub-personality inside me, but now to get on with regular business...'.
But what does Deborah do? Well, she writes this blog.
I know she could plunge into new online social arenas. But I'm too introverted to care for plunging into new social arenas.
Yes I have commented on crossdreaming issues galore at Crossdream Life at the crossdreaming reddit and at Jack Molay's blog; I have commented well, I believe, and as the community around those parts is small I think I might have had some influence. But most of the time my comments have been those of an intellectual commentator, they haven't been an expression or exploration of my t-femininity in themselves.
So I don't really know where to take Deborah. I fear this blog may become repetitive, if it isn't already.
The Deborah moments come and go. When they've gone, I think 'why bother with this extra dimension? Haven't I got enough on my plate without it?' I remember reading Quentin Crisp writing of how much time he and his queen friends could save if they stopped their quest for sexual satisfaction through cruising for encounters. I don't cruise, but my situation seems parallel.
Do I compartmentalise my life? Absolutely. Any attempt to impose unity and consistency on the self seems false and forlorn. For me there is no hierarchy of real and false parts of self.
Deborah is a kind of ghost. What do ghosts do? Not a lot; mostly they just manifest their existence, and leave it that.
I am a ghost within a man, and within your computer. x x x
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