Queendom of the internal

Wouldn't the world be so different if we were all turned inside out, so that our innermost feelings were what everyone else saw of us?

In such a new world transgender would be no more exraordinary than the rest of the transformations.

The inside is real, though, even if it never becomes the outside. The way the world is arranged so that we meet each other on the outside can make the inner realm - certainly including transgender feelings - seem nebulous, but real and important it certainly is. How real and how important we might need to reassert to ourselves frequently.

I'm fascinated by having an identity - crossdreamer - that connects me with others, through inner feelings rather than outer features. Inner feelings are so individual, yet these are my special bond with others. And furthermore, these feelings indicate I actually conform to , I actually belong within, a certain category. I read about what crossdreamers feel, and appreciate 'yes, that is me, on the inside'. Not so completely individual after all.

Most group identities are derived from undisputable external facts, such as nationality, age. Some are derived from conscious choices, such as political affiliation. But crossdreamer is neither external nor chosen. It is derived from inner feelings.

A lot of trans bloggers start with the assertion 'I am trans', then discuss either discuss politics and theory or else describe what they do, externally, to act on their trans feelings. But I am more interested in the feelings themselves,how the self experiences and relates to them.

It's extraordinary and fascinating.

By putting my thoughts and feelings out on this blog they acquire a different reality than if they remained just currents in my internal ocean that flows back and forth indefinitely and leaves few traces. Here they  become but drops in the ocean of cyberspace; but for you, reader, in this moment now, they are entering your consciousness, with love from me to you. x x

Androgynous crossdreamer

I hereby declare myself to be an androgynous crossdreamer.

By 'androgynous' I do not mean 'presents as on borderline between genders', but 'identifies as having inner femaleness and inner maleness'.

The two parts are equally real and deep. The female part is not a trivial fetish, the male part is not a mask.

Perhaps the term could be useful for others to consider. Androgynous crossdreamers are different from (in mtf terms):

a) Transsexual crossdreamers, who are inwardly predominantly female.

b) Cisgender crossdreamers, who are inwardly predominantly male.

For the transsexual the femaleness of the whole needs to be accepted. Transitioning can be an outward realisation of this.

For the cisgender crossdreamer, crossdreaming needs to be acknowledged as a sexual characteristic that does not indicate a more general femininity. Sexual feelings derive from obscure places in strange ways.

For the androgynous crossdreamer the male and female parts need to like each other, and live together in cooperation, not conflict.

For the androgynous mtf crossdreamer the male part will be most evident in outer dealings, the female part in sexuality.

These three types of crossdreamers should appreciate each other's difference and not interpret the two other sorts as being like themselves really but not realising or admitting it. But we are all crossdreamers, so we can all be sympathetic friends to each other.


[Note to the philosophically and scientifically minded: I am not assuming (or rejecting) biological essence. What causes androgyny, transsexualism?I don't know; I don't need to know. By 'self' I  mean 'the person I have become', by 'female/male' I mean 'as those identities are comprehended within our culture'. By 'inner' I mean 'within the self's consciousness'. Whatever their origin, none of these characteristics can be easily changed, perhaps they cannot be changed at all. The argument about essence is divisive and not crucial for crossdreamers' positive development. Biological? Non-biological? Leave that to washing powders.]

Sexy battles within

'Pull her done the tube! pull her down the tube! Pull her down the tube!'

I, the conscious ego am not the director of this blog. I am not the director of myself. I can control, I can discipline, but I do not determine the flow.

'Pull her done the tube! pull her down the tube! Pull her down the tube!

The tube that leads to crossdreamers' nirvana.

Crossdreamy sirens wink at me knowingly, summon me, seduce me. I see them in women's eyes, I see them in everything I find I have in common with other crossdreamers, , I see them in everything Deborah finds sexy.

Seducing me not away from a proud defensive masculinity but from an rl focus. Like getting drunk, abandoning all those sensible, practical concerns.

It's like turning on to a part of self that is too inner to focus on or have been formed by rl engagement.

Wretched, boring, harsh old rl engagement. Yuk!

The crossdreamy sirens are of course within me. They are me. I am a crossdreamy siren.

Abandonment is liberation, is actualisation.

Liberated and actualised, I am t-female. Yesss! Wheeee!

I started by entitling this 'sexy battles within'. It was intended to be about conflict between different parts of me. But I think we won the Battle of Deborah, didn't we, girls? Not much of a battle at all, was it. One man's battle is another girl's liberation, I suppose.

 I am t-female. Yesss! Wheeee!

The lipstick is mightier than the pen

Oh haven't some of us got sooh bogged down in 'is it just a fetish...?', 'Blanchard, Lawrence etc. ...'? I resolve from now on to leave all that to others and concentrate more on painting my nails. Dear Jack Molay, I won't take issue with you any more if I disagree with you slightly - you've got enough on your plate without  having to answer my little points, and really I've got better, sexier, bolder and more personal  things to do than to make such points.

Seriously though Jack you've done great work to help all of us crossdreamy girls, you are a true heroine. Thank you ever so much. x x x

Ooh, talking of heroines, look at my new heroine Rebecca Hall dressed like a catwalk princess at this premiere do last week. The sexy quasi-androgynous look, the 'oh, fuck me, purrrleasse' heels, the thick lipstick, the 'ooh, steal a look at my boobies' top. She usually looks more like this:

I just love the thought of her thinking 'look, just because I'm an intellectual, thoughtful, demurely sophisticated   person doesn't mean I'm above being sexy, you know. In fact, I fucking love it.' Of course Rebecca is sexy however she appears, in fact I think she actually looks less attractive dressed like that than she usually does. It's just the though of her wanting to present herself as a sex object that thrills me so.

Sex-object/sex-subject. Alloerotic/auterotic. Wanting to appear sexy because you are so full of sexy feelings yourself.

And me, I want to appear sexy too, girls (and boys).

Within the man a woman.

Within the serious t-woman, a t-slut, in service of her own sex drive.

If anyone reads this blog regularly it's probably because they seek some thoughtful reflections on crossdreaming. But, fuck it, girls, Debbie's gonna get her handbag and saunter right out from all that dry stuff. There's a bimbo within the even the most sensitive and erudite.

Beneath the surface, not too far below it in fact, sex flows in all of us. In you too, reader...

The sun's femme daughters feel it

Oh, the sun is shining, and it's feels sooooh natural to flow with all the lovely femme sexuality within. It's a deep a part of me, and a just so lovely part of me. I caress my beautiful femininity.

I want to caress all the femininity in the world.

Heaven, earth and Deborah unite in a beautiful 'ooooh!'.

Lets all chant 'ooooh' together.

Decloset

Jason, the administrator of Crossdream Life, has set up a lovely new site called Decloset. It's a place where all us crossdreamy girls - and anyone else for that matter - can post pictures of our favourite clothes from our fantasy wardrobes.

It's only just opened, so please do support it: it's fun! A nice and easy way for us online t-girls to share what we like with each other.

I just love looking at sexy femininity through a crossdreaming frame. Not just through my own crossdreaming eyes, but as a shared desire, a collective 'oooooh!'.

And, while you're at it, enjoy these deliciously sexy (but not hardcore porn at all) femme videos in the same way.

Oh, I so love femininity. In myself, and everywhere...wheeee!!!

See you in Decloset, girls!

Love and pink kisses,
Ultra-girlie Debbie x x x

Here are some pictures from Decloset of the lovely Jason:

Reaching out tired

“I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."   Anais Nin 

Bit of an overstatement there perhaps, Anais, but I sort of  know what you mean. 

[painting: Boreas by John Waterhouse]

Little pink flags

How I love the sense of trans-sisterhood with my fellow mtf crossdreamers. The sense that I belong to a tribe, and that the distinctive characteristics that we have in common determine much of what I am, what I do and how I feel.

This blog features lots of navel-gazing, doesn't it? But actually it's great to think that at the far side of my navel is not a proudly individual character but a type. This may seem contrary but actually I like it, it's a relief and a kind of freedom from self-determination.

I like the idea that Deborah exists within me regardless of my attitude towards her. I like the idea, which to quite an extent I actually believe, that Deborah summons me into expressing her, controlling my conscious mind with a power than stems from somewhere within deeper than my consciousness. Yet however deeply psychological this power might be, other crossdreamers recognise it because its within them too: 'oh yes, she's doing that, I know that one'; 'oh yes, she's having exactly that crossdreamy feeling I know so well'.

I love the idea that you out there know Deborah only from Deborah's online self-expression. Mirror Brother is excluded from vision, yet rather than this creating a false perception it might create a truer vision of unmediated Deborah than the one that Mirror Brother sees himself.

In other words, I am Deborah writing this. Mirror Brother is just my amanuensis (a man you and sis?).

I love the thought of the trans-sisterhood partying in the magical alter-realm of the internet, leaving our bodies behind and becoming our avatars. It is real, just a different real.

I wish we could detect each other in rl though. I wish our special crossdreamed eyes could detect little pink flags sticking out of our trans-sisters, as we sit opposite them on trains etc. Then we would blink and they would reappear as their true t-female selves, as we would to them of course.

The bond of pink blood is truly special. We are special, with our special inner selves that are free from gender confinement.

Ghostess

I honour the urge to be Deborah: the feeling of vitality, of urgency, of touching the depths of me that accompanies it.

Being Deborah needs regular reaffirmation. I don't reject or deny Deborah, but affirmation needs to be more active than mere acceptance: 'yes, crossdreaming is my sexuality; yes, I have a female sub-personality inside me, but now to get on with regular business...'.

But what does Deborah do? Well, she writes this blog.

I know she could plunge into new online social arenas. But I'm too introverted to care for plunging into new social arenas.

Yes I have commented on crossdreaming issues galore at Crossdream Life at the crossdreaming reddit and at Jack Molay's blog; I have commented well, I believe, and as the community around those parts is small I think I might have had some influence. But most of the time my comments have been those of an intellectual commentator, they haven't been an expression or exploration of my t-femininity in themselves.

So I don't really know where to take Deborah. I fear this blog may become repetitive, if it isn't already.

The Deborah moments come and go. When they've gone, I think 'why bother with this extra dimension? Haven't I got enough on my plate without it?' I remember reading Quentin Crisp writing of how much time he and his queen friends could save if they stopped their quest for sexual satisfaction through cruising for encounters. I don't cruise, but my situation seems parallel.  

Do I compartmentalise my life? Absolutely. Any attempt to impose unity and consistency on the self seems false and forlorn. For me there is no hierarchy of real and false parts of self.

Deborah is a kind of ghost. What do ghosts do? Not a lot; mostly they just manifest their existence, and leave it that.

I am a ghost within a man, and within your computer.  x x x

Ceremony

Deborah Kate, are you ready to descend to the next stage of inner femininity?

I am.

Do you love and cherish your pink femme blood?

I do.

Do you promise to see the world more and more through Mirror Sister's eyes?

I do.

Will you retain your femme convictions, in trouble and in joy?

I will.

Will you write 'femme' in lipstick all over your body?

I will.

Deborah Kate, are you a girl?

I am.

Deborah Kate, I hereby pronounce you woman and girl.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Let the party commence...