The universe is a girl

Today Debbie feels like this. Who do you feel like?

Good morning, girls!

And what a beautiful girly morning it is. I arise from my femme bed, draw back my femme curtains and see the girl sun shining through my femme window. I saunter down my girl stairs to have my girl breakfast: girl muesli and girl toast, with a cup of femme coffee.

This is getting out of girl hand.

Oh but I love it. It's sexy, sweet, energising and liberating, enlightening, deep and healing.

It's very much 'I am', not 'if only'.

Happy girl day, girls! xxx

a girl 

(Brief respite from the more earnest posts here. Here I am again a crossdreamer, writhing, squealing, really feeling the pink blood rush, rather than a deeper inner woman. The deeper inner woman might be no girly girl, but the crossdreamer sure is one! xxx)

Debbie the mild dysphoric

A vague unhappiness, lack of ease, inclination to withdraw.

A soft and sensitive nature.

Sexual crossdreams from a very early age.

They do add up, don't they?

I submit my case history as evidence for the theory that crossdreaming is a symptom of a gender dysphoria that in milder cases is unconscious. 

You can say 'oh no, no, no, Judith Butler says...', 'Blanchard says ...', but as you say that to me to disqualify my self-interpretation you say that to all the many gender dysphorics whose development throughout life - including in some cases transitioning - has confirmed to themselves their self-interpretation. 

If we are deluded I am in good company.

I am proud to say 'we'. 

I am joining the ranks of the 'I thought it was only sexual but now I think it is more than that, I feel so deeply that it is more than that' brigade.

Yes I am.

xxx 

Debbie on both sides of the mirror

Mirror imagery is common in trans writing. I called my first blog Mirror Sister (and a very fine blog it is too, though I say so myself!). So, let me describe my recent shift in perspective (see last two entries in this here blog) in mirror symbolism terms.

Previously:

I look in the mirror and see a girl. This is sexually stimulating, which makes it important as it is my erotic identity. It is also fascinating and important to explore, and to conjecture about..

Yet the 'I' who is looking and thinking is still really a male self.

Now:

I look into the mirror and see a girl. I think yes, the mirror doesn't lie, this is me.

The frozen tears thaw and flow.

xxx


(The picture above is by the Italian artist Pino Daeni. If you like it you'll like his other ones. I've chosen it as my new avatar at Crossdream Life. My previous one, which I loved, was of Kate Beckinsale looking so full of femme sexuality, so soft and alluring. This now seems to locate my transness too much within the sexual. Not that as a girl I don't want to look attractive and feel sexy, of course. Also some may have recognised the great Kate and thought it a bit cheap of me to borrow a visual identity off a popular contemporary sexy actress.)

Oh, an important reorientation has occurred

I am skeptical about accounts of recent life-changing revelations. It's so much more convincing to hear 'I had a life-changing revelation three years ago' than 'I had a  life-changing revelation yesterday'.

But a do believe I had a very major shift in my self-interpretation a week ago.This impression has stayed constant throughout the week.

See my last blog entry, it's important.

Yes, I may later retract it, thinking 'Oh what rubbish was I believing at the time'. But I think one can respond too cautiously, as well as too foolhardily, to such new convictions.

It seems such a major shift that it ought to have a precise and dramatic moment of birth. But it didn't, it came on over the course of a few hours. There was no sudden turning point. And it all just occurred during a regular quiet time at home. Please forgive the aggrandizement: it's not a normal characteristic of my writing.

I do know that fetish theory and autogynephila theory can account for crossdreamers developing a non-sexual female self-identity, but studying the evidence in my own case I now really think it more convincing that the femininity caused the crossdreaming rather than extended out of it.

I also posted 'Debbie the real inner girl' on Crossdream Life. Friends there have made supportive comments, and I have elaborated on the original post in my replies - here. To quote from these replies:

'It means so much to me say 'hello, I am Debbie and I am a girl.'

'To put it drily, it is a matter of repositioning identity within the trans gender mix.'

'The image that arises is of a hole appearing in the ceiling of a prison cell.'

Rethinking my life in terms of an almost buried femininity explains so much. It explains why I feel suddenly tearful when I repeat the phrase 'I am a girl'. Saying it makes me feel tearful and it makes me  want to scream 'LISTEN TO ME! IT'S ME! IT'S Me! IT'S ME! I AM A GIRL, AND HERE I AM, CRYING OUT RIGHT NOW! I am not just a means of turning my outer male on. I am not just my outer male exploring taking on a female persona. I am a girl!'

xxx

Debbie the real inner girl

I wish to accept my inner femaleness more thoroughly.

I feel like I have crossed a divide. I feel more convinced of the reality of my inner woman, Debbie, and wish to be her fully.

This is distinct from being a crossdreaming male.The primary drive of my online presence as Deborah Kate, especially at Crossdream Life,  has been to uphold crossdreaming as a sexuality, to support everyone of a crossdreaming sexual persuasion. I am pleased to have been doing that.

But I also feel a sense of inner femaleness that is not quite met by crossdreaming sexuality. Being inwardly female is not the same as getting off on the idea of being female.

Poignant evidence for the reality of my inner female is that when I write comments such as this I feel very close to tears. I feel the feelings of a repressed, confined, abused inner woman.

I am not making a scientific claim or political demand, and I am not thinking of transitioning, so I am not wanting a debate about my self-interpretation.

For understanding the relationship between inner femaleness and crossdreaming sexuality, Jack Molay's thoughts on this in the last couple of years have been very helpful (see my Sissies and Bad Girls thread at Crossdream Life). So thanks Jack. xxx

Of course I still intend to enjoy crossdreaming sexuality, and to welcome all crossdreamers to Crossdream Life, respecting their own interpretation of their crossdreaming and opposing any attempt at a 'party line' about its causes or anything else.

More to follow...

Love,
Debbie xxx

A girl writes...

The licence to at least explore a feminine identity challenges perceptions of self in a way that is liberating and scary. A self-image derived from masculine experience can be relativised disconcertingly.

But oh, I so much want to go there.

March on, cd girly girls!

You are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are lovely. xxx