Eyes of the beholder

I look into women's eyes and they look into me.

The eyes cry 'Deborah'.

They see into me; they see Deborah inside me. No fooling them, no hiding Deborah from them. They see Deborah and Deborah sees them. Mirror Brother can only stand out of the gaze, or be pierced right through.

Deborah's appearance is all in projection. Lacking her own body, she manifests in those of other women.

This has nothing to do with actual other women, I know. What is the femininity that Deborah identifies with to them? I don't know. But to me it opens up a realm of deeper meaning, deeper pleasure, deeper potential. How do I utilise this realm, incorporate it into the rest of life, which - for better or worse -  cannot be abandoned? Difficult. But it's important, and it is definitely there.

Even more strongly Deborah is activated by the eyes of other crossdreamers. The invisible sisterhood. We see, we feel the deep truth in each others' femme identities. Here we do have a real sense of how each other feels. The selected avatar reveals the inner person more keenly than external appearance could.

The other reality. Come join me there, trans-sisters. x x

Deborah unsilenced

I must remember the keen sense I have when writing here of being a suppressed voice. A voice of someone who's spent a lifetime silent and imprisoned.

I must remember that writing as Debbie makes me feel more vital, more youthful, more purposeful, more hopeful.

I must remember the instinctive feeling I get when I sense that a woman's appearance is expressing something within me. I must remember the unusual sense of belonging I get when I encounter other crossdreamers. We are family.

Now where to take Debbie? Somewhere better than male masturbation? Somewhere grounded and steady, not a naughty thrill used and abandoned. Not somewhere angry or self-pitiful.

Somewhere where I am soft yet strong.

Debbie's story continues.


[picture by Nicolay Bessonov]

Girlifesto

I've just been reading my post of 13 February, Debbie's serious thoughts of the month. I don't like it. I haven't changed my mind about the opinions expressed, I just don't like the tone. It's like I'm a big political leader canvassing for influence.

How did I get into that position?

Well I suppose the crossdreaming community still qualifies as nascent, and so it is open to influence. My take 'how can we best enjoy the female within us / our crossdreaming sexuality?', uncontroversial though it seems, turns out to be up against 'crossdreamers need to do something to rescue themselves from their awful predicament', either through (a) curing the affliction, to become proper men, or (b) transitioning, to become proper women.  I see a potential for freeing up of oppressive gender binaries, as the self develops opportunities to diversify in the new world of cyberspace. But others want a unitary self - inner, outer, online, offline, sexual, non-sexual - all consistent and all definitely either m or  f. Fair enough, that's their choice, but when individuals seek to push others firmly into either the m or f camp, I don't like it.

I also think that our fragile little community can easily be torn apart by bitter fighting about the cause of crossdreaming, which takes attention away from the sheer affirmation that we are crossdreamers; a crucial affirmation, not one that merely begs a contentious question. Yet when it does come to serious psychological interpretation, my intellectual honesty opposes the imposition of a standard, comfortable belief upon the community.

But in taking a strong line I stick a wall in front of my own openness to all the conflicting currents within me. Let Debbie be blown hither and thither.

On reflection, by insisting on the centrality of crossdreaming sexuality I might have sounded too much like a man who owns a 'fetish' but is still proud of their masculinity. That's not me at all. I'm just against trans people downplaying the sexuality, because seeing my sexuality being downplayed doesn't feel good. I don't like the attitude that trans people must either be honourable biological transsexuals or else perverts who give trans a bad name. That attitude disdains people for having a sexuality which they did not choose and is not about harming others. It is my sexuality.

But I don't mean don't develop your inner woman, I don't mean just be a man with a fetish.

I say develop your inner woman, without making any scientific claim about her. Loosen the chains of cultural gender norms this way. Write as your inner woman, not just as a man saying 'this is what turns me on'. And yes, your inner-woman feelings might well not be sexual.

But don't be quick to disown your outer man. Your outer man is the part of you that's grown through contact with the world. It is not false. My good sister Jaya puts it well here.

As for me, I definitely get something good and important from asserting here now, as a voice within a complex person, 'I am Debbie, I am female. I am not an expert commentator on trans: I am trans.'

I write not as a sexual fantasy, but as the androgynous person who has the sexual fantasies (but has much more besides), with the female part in control of the keyboard.

Solidarity trans-sisters! Lets hold hands.

Love and kisses from t-girl Debbie x x x

Inelegant descent

No, lets start again.

Oh, it feels good to be back here. Doing this, expressing myself to you with words.

Diary-of-feelings-style blogging can seem a futile conceit, and it can seem the most vital activity.

And the descent into femininity progresses unevenly, doesn't it? I expect you know that, reader. A stalling, a step away, a joyous leap, a sudden tumble.

If some readers are lost along the way then so be it. It is not my goal to make this a popular blog. If you run out of patience with me then goodbye and good luck.

I am Deborah and I have been writing 'I am a girl' in nail varnish all over my cage.

Sometimes Debbie goes under the radar, under the ocean. Perhaps that's good for all concerned. For a while.

Lets stop again

Float on Debs xxxx

Debbie's serious thoughts of the month

Crossdreaming/autogynephilia is probably the only sexuality about which most serious discussion focuses on its cause.

I think this is harmful for crossdreamers and for the development of a crossdreaming community.

In a post of 16 January 2013, Jack Molay, who coined the term, defined mtf crossdreamers clearly as 'male-bodied persons who get aroused by the idea of being a woman'. I don't think that the term has always been employed so unambiguously, but I thoroughly approve of this clear-cut definition. If this definition is stuck to tightly, then I would like 'crossdreaming'  to be used in preference to 'autogynephilia'. It sounds so much nicer, doesn't it? Furthermore Jack has not so much developed as created the crossdreaming community, out of an undoubted strong desire to help us all, so it is appropriate that we use his term (even if he has gone a bit over the top in his anti-Blanchard fervour recently).

Blanchard has been condemned by many, in no uncertain terms, for treating gender dysphoria as a symptom of autogynephilia. I think there can also be harm in treating crossdreaming as a symptom of dysphoria, less because it might not be one than because this belittles the importance of the sexuality in its own right.

So I think it is very important to distinguish crossdreaming from dysphoria. Some crossdreamers suffer from dysphoria and some do not. It is our crossdreaming sexuality that unites us, and such unity is important. What I think is crucial is to distinguish the dysphoria of dysphoric crossdreamers from the crossdreaming of dysphoric crossdreamers.

I am very fortunate not to suffer from dysphoria. I am all for dysphorics supporting each other. Should dysphorics transition? That is not for me to say. This very difficult decision should be up to each individual, perhaps guided by the advice of knowledgeable, supportive others (as long as those others are not motivated by a political agenda to get people to transition, a disdain for trans people who don't  - or the opposite motivations). But in principle I am all in favour of men turning into women.

Crossdreaming is a sexuality, and sexuality is a very important part of life. This is true for dysphorics and non-dysphorics alike. Sexuality is inherently pleasurable, and a strong crossdreaming community can help dysphorics and non-dysphorics alike enjoy and feel good about their sexuality.

If crossdreaming is not distinguished from dysphoria, then serious focus on the sexuality is liable to get swamped by focus on dysphoria and the possibility of transitioning.

Should crossdreamers transition on account of their sexuality? If they want to because they think it a turn-on then I have no objection, but I would advise them to think hard about it first, especially about the difference between fantasy and rl. I doubt many people actually transition without a deep conviction that it is right for them, but there are probably quite a few non-transitioners who feel cowardly because they have not gone down what others have advocated as their only path to fulfilment.

Acknowledging oneself to be a crossdreamer, to have such an unorthodox and disdained sexuality, is not easy. That is why I think it is important that there is an affirmative community, outside of TG pornography, that helps individual crossdreamers to embrace their sexuality without shame, that doesn't think of crossdreaming as something to be got rid off, either through therapy or though transitioning.

I don't think it is helpful for people acknowledging their crossdreaming sexuality to have the serious, difficult issue of transitioning thrust in their face. Acknowledging crossdreaming is hard enough in itself. Uncertain feelings about the sexuality can be confused with dysphoria. The belief 'if you crossdream you must be transsexual, therefore you should transition' ought not to be allowed to dominate crossdreaming culture.

Crossdreaming is a fascinating sexuality. Important contexts for it are:

- cultural gender roles

- the relationship between inner and outer life

- the relationship between self and other

- the relationship between sexual and non-sexual realms

- the differences between online and offline life

Aspects of crossdreaming that can be explored, beyond the element of gender, are:

- its relationship to introversion

- its relationship to male heterosexuality

- its relationship to other sexual predilections such as masochism

- its relationship to other fantasies of transformation.

Relationships that I do not encourage the study of - beyond serious scientific investigations - are relationships to mental illness, low self-esteem, sense of failure as a male. It doesn't do a community or an individual good to dwell on such themes: it can lead to an indulgent wallowing that serves no one.

But investigation, even comprehension, is much less important than the development of an affirmative community.

Our sexuality is a sexuality, not a symptom.

Not woman but femme

Do have a study of crossdresser Jonathan's concept of 'femme', in some of the early posts at his always thoughtful Male Femme blog, especially this one.

I find the concept interesting, intelligent and important. Of course I'm not saying it's the final word (I'm not very keen on final words), but it's a good word. xx