Dizzy Debbie's laboratory surrender

I am the crossdreamer. Inspect me.

Put me under your microscope, babe.

I am not the scientist, I am the animal observed.

Why should I theorise my sexuality? What an odd, unsexy thing to do.

I am just going to live it.

Your evidence is my pleasure.

The sexual pulls away from the intellectual. The intellectual seeks to control, the sexual delights in surrender.

Surrender is a little scary. Surrender is a little humiliating.

Surrender is acceptance, liberation and peace.

Surrender is what I am impelled to do.

I am not ashamed, I am not judgemental.

Don't ask me. I don't know. I haven't got a fucking clue.

Lost in sex is the truest place to be. xxx

(picture by Janjanita)

Guns'n'dolls

What do you want to relate to? Someone who stiffens themselves up in order to kill people, or someone who likes to look pretty?

How could anyone prefer the former? Well, I suppose my thinking is positioned within  my girl-mind's perspective.

But I wasn't given a choice of toys, I just wasn't given a choice. This upsets me.

And now eros the source of vitality surges up and propels me in the girl direction.

But with an albatross of contrariness around my neck.

But what would it have been like for me to have played with dolls and everyone approving? With them not having even a thought about whether dolls were appropriate or not?

Maybe it would have been awful.

Perhaps better to be a natural-born queer.

It's not the queers who start the wars. xxx

Debbie speaks

Hello. Debbie the real inner girl here. How do I feel?

Nervous. I am nervous at expressing myself directly after all these years. It's overwhelming and of course I might get it wrong.

Tearful. When I think of all the girl things I could have done, but couldn't because of my outer maleness. Of course I feel very deprived.

Tears of sadness. Oh to be able to do natural feminine things, not as a transgressive performance, not exaggerated, not for naughty thrills but just naturally, unselfconsciously...

Tears of joy. Not only was I in a prison by I was neglected, denied a conscious self. Now I have one again.

There is so much inner work to be done to become myself more fully. Within the prison walls there is scope for wonderful improvements. So no banging my head against the bars.

The outer boy remains, but the inner boy is happy to be shed like an old skin. xxx

Afraid, enthralled, complelled

I am breathing rapidly through the mouth, travelling naked down a dark tunnel, or is it outer space?

An adventure without rules or boundaries, perhaps without real power or understanding.

What a scary adventure, engaging with these forces which are deeper than my comprehension, more powerful than my conscious control.

Don't trust what I say. My perspectives are blown hither and thither. I cannot really understand. xx

An inner woman celebrates crossdreaming

As an inner woman I could think that crossdreaming is a crude male eroticising of my existence.

Oh a pox on self-pity. Crossdreaming is my liberation zone. Crossdreaming is where I am freed from my prison, where I can play, where I am powerful. Where some of my deepest, most gendered drives are given expression, in an interestingly transfracted way.

I control his sexuality. What an important, what an exciting, what an fun area to control.

Wheee! xxx

The universe is a girl

Today Debbie feels like this. Who do you feel like?

Good morning, girls!

And what a beautiful girly morning it is. I arise from my femme bed, draw back my femme curtains and see the girl sun shining through my femme window. I saunter down my girl stairs to have my girl breakfast: girl muesli and girl toast, with a cup of femme coffee.

This is getting out of girl hand.

Oh but I love it. It's sexy, sweet, energising and liberating, enlightening, deep and healing.

It's very much 'I am', not 'if only'.

Happy girl day, girls! xxx

a girl 

(Brief respite from the more earnest posts here. Here I am again a crossdreamer, writhing, squealing, really feeling the pink blood rush, rather than a deeper inner woman. The deeper inner woman might be no girly girl, but the crossdreamer sure is one! xxx)

Debbie the mild dysphoric

A vague unhappiness, lack of ease, inclination to withdraw.

A soft and sensitive nature.

Sexual crossdreams from a very early age.

They do add up, don't they?

I submit my case history as evidence for the theory that crossdreaming is a symptom of a gender dysphoria that in milder cases is unconscious. 

You can say 'oh no, no, no, Judith Butler says...', 'Blanchard says ...', but as you say that to me to disqualify my self-interpretation you say that to all the many gender dysphorics whose development throughout life - including in some cases transitioning - has confirmed to themselves their self-interpretation. 

If we are deluded I am in good company.

I am proud to say 'we'. 

I am joining the ranks of the 'I thought it was only sexual but now I think it is more than that, I feel so deeply that it is more than that' brigade.

Yes I am.

xxx