Deborah's December

I think I am going to wind this blog down.

(I know I've said similar in the past, haven't I?)

A dead-endedness was well expressed by me here. The journey into my inner femininity has been good, but now introspection has finally run out of steam. I've grown weary of 'interiority, imagination and desire'.

Plus there's the issue of cyberspace. Really the inspiration for my two blogs was the particular potential for trans of the phenomenal implications for human society of the sudden development of cyberspace as a new ontological realm, that redrew the relationship between the ontological realm of outer life and the ontological realm of inner life.

But enthusiast for this that I was in principle, in practice my feelings about cyberspace have become quite different. Partly this is because of my character, and partly because of the way cyberspace has developed - predictably, it's become not at all not like the stuff of utopian visions.

In fact I have come to loathe the fucking internet - its enervating 'got to check, got to check', its passwords, its viruses, its spam, its security protection software, its erratic connectivity, its updates, its new bewildering new versions of what I've just got used to, its pace, its commerce, its entangling networks, its trolls, its childish symbolism, its acronynms, its slang, its false cheeriness, its heydudecasualspeak, its crazes and trends, its surveys, its mailing lists, its quantitative friendships, its trivial democracy, its permanent form yet ephemeral character, its endless, endless banalities. It makes me want to go into a deep wood, miles from anywhere.

Nevertheless, the appeal of my own little autonomous realm within an underground world has held its appeal. The satisfaction of creative expression, plus the sense of a personal role in a select small scene, perhaps drew me into a position where I appeared more trans than I actually am. Deborah Descends is the diary of a sub-personality, however deep a one. To be honest, I feel I don't really belong alongside people who suffer from serious gender dysphoria, from people who are thinking of transitioning. They have my full support. It would be wrong of me to comment on their concerns further.

There are people who would like me to interpret myself one way, people who would like me to interpret myself in a different way. This pressure makes me uncomfortable: my desire to please interferes with my self-interpretation.

I don't want to be someone exerting subtle pressure on others to interpret themselves in particular ways.

I hate the hostility of trans politics.

I do not want to be yet another online amateur theorist, opinionated about subjects I haven't really read that much about.

No big conclusions, then, because internal dialogue has not ceased, it's just moving away from blogland. In any case, each post was just an expression of the thoughts of the moment, and so is this one. The journey continues, the direction as unclear as ever.

But thanks a lot to all of my friendly readers (and especially the commenters xx). Deborah Descends was essentially self-centred, but if you got anything good from it, I'm really pleased.

Onwards and upwards, then, in inner, outer, cyber or whatever space works best! xxx