I have been contemplating the insubstantiality of my own existence.
I have frequently extolled the potential of cyberspace for liberating ontology, in a way that is particularly good for trans people. Cyberspace gives people a place to act - a real space to act - in which they are not tied to external reality. Wonderful!
Of course things are seldom so great in practice as they seem in theory. Maybe negotiating the software is too much of a challenge, or maybe the real has a pull on me after all, but I've never really got into Second Life or other virtual 'role-playing' realms.
So, for Deborah, this blog itself is most of the online realm. The blog doesn't really record rl, yet neither does it create or inhabit a substantial alternative realm. It's a rather empty, confined space - a lonesome cell with windows. Self-expression within it becomes ultimately just an assertion of existence. Like writing a diary in which all you ever describe is the act of writing in the diary.
In truth, of course, ontological status is fundamentally uncertain for both crossdreaming and blogging.
Can inner women socialise?
I feel that I am treading water. The blog is becoming an uneasy yet comfortable outlet for trans feelings. It is not taking me into new space. I just witness myself asserting my own existence and doing nothing much with that existence, beyond feeling feelings about it.
A self needs more than self-expression. xx
This blog is much more than an outlet for trans feelings. It has become a poetic blog helping others like yourself find words and images that may help them understand themselves, not only intellectually, but emotionally.
ReplyDeleteI do see, however, that online expression and online affirmation is not the same as being truly seen in the flesh. It is not the same as the embrace that tells you that you are loved for who you are. It is not the same as being accepted by people, out there, at a party, on the bus, at work. But it is so much better than nothing, and one thing may lead to another.
Thanks very much indeed for these flattering and supportive comments, Jack! xxx
ReplyDeleteI sense a pessimistic tone in your recent posts, Debs - especially in the sad fable of the cursed ballerina. I very much hope you won't lose heart. You write beautifully and poetically and, as Jack says, are an inspiration to the rest of us. It's true we don't learn anything about your "rl", or how you integrate crossdreaming into your "rl", but that's probably a strength of your writing. There's plenty of in-your-face confessional out there already. As readers we spend so much time drooling over the minutiae of a writer's biography, there's a danger we stop reading what she wrote. xx D
ReplyDeleteOh thanks for these very kind comments, Dabs!
ReplyDeleteI don't feel depressed, Just a bit weary and stale. xxx
I think I know what you mean. I've been wrestling with similar feelings about my blog and with the crossdream life forum. Both have been wonderful outlets for my self expression.
ReplyDeleteAnd now that I've expressed it, I'm kind of wondering what is next?
I'm not sure what I want to explore, and I don't want to repeat (or reveal) myself too much.
I do look forward to your posts, even if I don't always comment. That's the thing with blogs, isn't it? They can be rather lonely since you don't get much feedback or interaction with people. Probably because our audience is fairly small, and maybe 0.1% are moved enough to write back.
Thanks, honey, sounds like we're thinking alike. x
ReplyDeleteI would say, though, that I have been writing the blogs for more than three years, and they have felt very worthwhile. Deborah's descent may seem to have run its course, but its been a long, good course. xxx