I am a t-girl.
If I say this to myself repeatedly, before very long at all I feel tearful. It is good therapy.
I've only got to rephrase it as 'I identify as a t-girl' and I feel safer as I move into the comfortable territory of intellectual theorising.
Nevertheless, here's some discourse...
Since I discovered Jack Molay's term 'crossdreamer' and recognised myself as one, identification has been very important to me. I am aware of theoretical critiques of 'identity politics', of psychological issues concerning identity, and I am firmly on the side of identity in the transgender context. People form identities around their family, their employment, their location, their country of origin, their favourite sport, their favourite music. To identify as trans in a similar way brings secret inner feelings out into a realm where they are fully accepted. It is not to say that 't' is scientifically imprinted on your heart, any more than your occupation or your favourite pastime is. The deconstructionists are always saying that there's nothing inherently wrong with constructed identities, so lets take them at their word and stop arguing about essentialism.
By identifying as a t-girl I am saying that I have a broad set of feelings in common with other t-girls. Yes, I know there are great variations, but there are enough affinities for me to think 'I am one of these people'. This counters a lot of defensiveness, counters desires to reject my own deep feelings. Certainly, though, identity and community should not be taken to the extent of uniformity and intolerance, of dress codes and 'in' and 'out' attitudes ( a criticism sometimes made of some gay cliques).
I am not, however, identifying as a girl. That would be invoking all the difficult issues about whether or not transgender feelings really are evidence of objective internal femaleness. I don't think I am entitled to claim authentic internal femaleness, nor to reject the possibility of this within me. We just don't know about this for sure.
But we can go with our deep feelings, and explore - and help to free up oppressive societal constructs of gender as we do.
Problems:
1) Dysphoria: we have to beware of encouraging a horrible hatred of our male selves. Some trans radicals, such as Kate Bornstein, hardly ever mention dysphoria, while for many trans folk dysphoria is a suffering from which all stems. So if people would rather not explore and develop their trans feelings, for fear of worsening dysphoria, then fair enough.
2) Transitioning: to alter your body, and much else in your life, is a very big deal. You need to be confident that what you are doing is right, be sure that you are not confusing the reality of being an rl woman with a nice (though meaningful and important) fantasy. I can understand people thinking that if you identify as trans you should go for it fully, but I think that internal identification is very important in its own right, and bringing the pros and cons of transitioning into the issue confuses this, perhaps making people reject trans identity because they don't want to transition.
And for crosssdreamers, who say their trans feelings are restricted to the realm of the sexual? Fine, identify as sexually trans, as trans in the very important area of sexuality, that is big enough. But be open, don't be defensive - 'it's just a fetish, nothing more' etc.' If it's just a fetish, that's cool, but if you keep finding yourself needing to insist that it's just a fetish, be willing to examine other possibilities thoroughly and honestly.
Jack Molay himself wrote (here):
'We have not come to the point where we are able to look at crossdreaming as something natural, something that is OK, something that should be enjoyed as a positive and life affirming side of ourselves. I believe too many of us (me included) still suffer from internalized transphobia, where there are still parts of us which are looking for a way out.'
Hence the importance of identity, and the community that hopefully develops from it (but see my recent post here!), to counter such internal resistance. And thus the need for constant reaffirmation.
I am a t-girl.
Trans woman and firefighter Brooke Guinan makes the following observation in an interview with Identities.Mic:
ReplyDelete"I still have issues with that some days, because I feel like my identity gets lost in the uniform and I become one of the guys to anyone around," she said. "Unfortunately, as I think is the case for most trans people, the largest resistance I felt was my own negative thoughts and attitudes about my ‘realness’ due to years of internalized transphobia and gender bias that normative culture is too often bogged down by."
Our mental maps and the very language of our culture forces again and again into a position where we have to defend our sense of self, not just against others, but against ourselves. Trans people waste years of their lives struggling with theories developed to force everyone into the narrow categories of sex and gender normalcy.
The fetish theory, to give but one example, was not a theory based on disinterested and objective observations of human life. It was a theory deliberately developed to restrict sex and gender variance, and assure its male makers that they -- at least -- were normal. Now the theory has taken on a life of its own, becoming self-evident, so to speak, to the point that even trans people use it to attack others or themselves.
You do not dare to call yourself a woman. I continue to use male pronouns, even online.
Fortunately, there is a lot of constructive thinking going on right now, both in transgender and health circles. There are new narratives that may allow us to embrace our mirror sisters, and even get the acceptance from others.
Thanks a lot, Jack! xx
DeleteI have an issue with socially conditioned genders. Let's imagine a society where gender would be not socially conditioned. That would mean that males and females would act, think, express themselves, behave, and dress exactly in the same way, having access to the same jobs and opportunities.
ReplyDeleteThis is a typical 'thought experiment': in such a scenario, would I transition?
Not to mention that such a society would be hopelessly boring, the truth is that I actually *like* a certain amount of gender bipolarity; I just dislike having been conditioned to act the male gender for all my life.
Some psychologists 'treat' gender dysphoria by attacking it from a wholly different perspective. They just teach their patients to stop clinging at gender stereotypes, and embrace and accept gender differences. It's easier for females, I guess: because they can act and dress like men, accept jobs that are stereotypically male, but never lose their female identity in the process. Males, by contrast, have no choices; Jack points out very reasonably that males developed theories to restrict sex and gender variance — especially among males! — to self-classify themselves as 'normal men'.
So, I don't know. I'm fully supportive of gender fluid individuals (Andreja Pejic, before her official transition, comes to mind as a good example). But in fact I'm more conservative — a repressed transphobic? — and prefer gender polarity. I just dislike the gender that I was conditioned to act in this society; and I'm not even very good at acting, even though, thanks to my genetic makeup, and decades of not being allowed to act any other role but a male role, I'm usually convincing enough.
Thanks Sandra! xx
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