Writing a blog is like walking around naked in your room with the curtains undrawn. You can be observed by strangers, but you're still on your own in your own personal space.
For me it's coming to seem like a weak compromise between taking a deeper plunge into online trans culture, and just living with my feelings alone.
Much as I enthuse about the potential of the online world as a liberation from rl restrictions (particularly bodily gender of course), I find the thought of getting involved in lots of new activities and meeting lots of new people exhausting and a little frightening. Like going to a party where I don't know anybody, as opposed to staying snug at home with a good book. And there's still a sense of 'really I'm just sitting in front of a computer', and I am not naturally a computer geek.
But also my own inconsistency could cause problems for new online social endeavours. I am full of contrary feelings about my gender. Impulses in different directions ebb and flow, take hold of me quite suddenly and then subside, and I am thinking it is folly to claim to be able to manage and direct them. I am embarrassed about all the times I have declared a conclusion about myself, stated a new resolve, only to find that next day I just don't feel like that any more.
I am transgender, yes. I am a t-girl, yes. However I am more besides...
When I find myself reaching for the keyboard to get writing on this blog, should I be reaching for something else?
No comments:
Post a Comment