Oh the sun is shining and I am a girl.
I am a girl. I am such a girl.
The same old affirmation; always worth reaffirming, like the religious constantly reaffirm their faith.
No wit or wisdom for you today folks. The answer to all complicated questions is 'I don't know'. But the question marks are lovely and pink and soft and sensual.
Instead of wit or wisdom I just have lovely femininity which I am feeling deeply. It's sexy and lovely although it makes me cry. And acknowledging it feels so deeply right.
I would like to blow kisses of this femininity out to you all. xxx
Sunday, 8 June 2014
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
Woman trapped inside the body of a computer
'I have put my talent into writing. My genius I have saved for living.' Oscar Wilde
The life/writing relationship is complicated by the writer being the subject of their own writing.
Especially when the theme is introspection and development of identity.
Inner/outer/persona.
There's an appeal and also a discomfort in performing myself in this public/private space.
Very flattering that you've chosen to look though. Thank you.
Bye for now. xxx
The life/writing relationship is complicated by the writer being the subject of their own writing.
Especially when the theme is introspection and development of identity.
Inner/outer/persona.
There's an appeal and also a discomfort in performing myself in this public/private space.
Very flattering that you've chosen to look though. Thank you.
Bye for now. xxx
Monday, 7 April 2014
Just another t-girl
I like that the way that my t-ness is developing fits a pattern shared with many other crossdreamers.
I've mentioned this before, but the afront to my proud individuality, my sense of self-determination, feels refreshing, and a salutary lesson.
Beneath the too proudly independent man is just another t-girl.
How I feel is what is crucial. How I interpret it is superficial.
I the conscious interpreter am not directing this journey.
In a way you, if you are long-term reader of this blog, might understand me better than I understand myself. You might be thinking 'oh yes, all the classic symptoms, the classic trajectory', while I hypothesise and waiver.
Oh, I really want to embrace all my cd-sisters that I have this deep, deep thing in common with.
I have found my tribe and I want to be a regular member of it. xxx
I've mentioned this before, but the afront to my proud individuality, my sense of self-determination, feels refreshing, and a salutary lesson.
Beneath the too proudly independent man is just another t-girl.
How I feel is what is crucial. How I interpret it is superficial.
I the conscious interpreter am not directing this journey.
In a way you, if you are long-term reader of this blog, might understand me better than I understand myself. You might be thinking 'oh yes, all the classic symptoms, the classic trajectory', while I hypothesise and waiver.
Oh, I really want to embrace all my cd-sisters that I have this deep, deep thing in common with.
I have found my tribe and I want to be a regular member of it. xxx
(another gorgeous portrait by Pino Daeni)
Thursday, 3 April 2014
The world is gendered and I am a girl
What a thought this is. What a transformation of perspective from 'masculinity and femininity are sexist shit'.
Of course I support equality, freedom, diversity, respect for difference. I support fluidity and I am against society imposing gender expectations on individuals.
Can we separate the 'is' from the 'ought'? What we believe from what we would like to believe? Difference from judgemental attitudes to difference?
The idea that how I think, how I feel, is deeply influenced by an inner femininity is an extraordinary one, of profound importance in comprehending myself. It moves me almost to tears in fact.
I am a crossdreamer. That is all about gender.
All trans is about gender. Genderqueer, gender fluid are about gender identities, not non-gender identities.
Might the new thought be wrong? of course it might. But I recommend considering it open-mindedly, rather than rejecting it abrasively. xxx
Of course I support equality, freedom, diversity, respect for difference. I support fluidity and I am against society imposing gender expectations on individuals.
Can we separate the 'is' from the 'ought'? What we believe from what we would like to believe? Difference from judgemental attitudes to difference?
The idea that how I think, how I feel, is deeply influenced by an inner femininity is an extraordinary one, of profound importance in comprehending myself. It moves me almost to tears in fact.
I am a crossdreamer. That is all about gender.
All trans is about gender. Genderqueer, gender fluid are about gender identities, not non-gender identities.
Might the new thought be wrong? of course it might. But I recommend considering it open-mindedly, rather than rejecting it abrasively. xxx
Tuesday, 1 April 2014
Deborah monologue
I would like to think of writing this blog as a useful diary exercise. As a friendly 'hello, how are you?' chat with myself.
But who is myself?
The perspective definitely has changed, as most of the posts of the last two months have recorded or suggested. But development is erratic, and always within an intellectual context of 'I don't really know for sure'.
Do I now have a deeper, stronger sense of my own femaleness?
Yes.
Am I now dysphoric? Well, there are strands of frustration at times, but nothing like what others describe. Sometimes the 'I am a girl' voice within me screeches a little too loudly; it's frustrating to have to hold it within an outer maleness. Today I wanted to grab hold of the girl standing next to me, eject her (nothing personal, sorry...) from her body so I could possess the female body that feels rightfully mine myself. But mostly the sheer depth and freshness of this identification opens up so much space to be explored and consolidated that I am not bashing my head against the wall of outer maleness. It feels rich and exciting.
And, speaking as inner Deborah, it feels wonderful to be acknowledged.
In a way that makes me feel sad about past inner neglect, isolation. I still suddenly feel close to tears often, about past loneliness and confinement.
I am reinterpreting my character and my past.
It's an enormous, profound shift in self. xxx
(N.B. No nice pic of an attractive girl to end with, I've decided. Lovely though the crossdreamy thrill is to reperesent my inner self in this way, it doesn't feel quite right [today]. I am my own girl, unique. A picture of another girl is a picture of another girl, not me. I don't have to adopt her to be female [contrary to the sentiment expressed in the big paragraph above]. I don't have a female exterior: that's the sad truth. I do have a female interior. xx)
But who is myself?
The perspective definitely has changed, as most of the posts of the last two months have recorded or suggested. But development is erratic, and always within an intellectual context of 'I don't really know for sure'.
Do I now have a deeper, stronger sense of my own femaleness?
Yes.
Am I now dysphoric? Well, there are strands of frustration at times, but nothing like what others describe. Sometimes the 'I am a girl' voice within me screeches a little too loudly; it's frustrating to have to hold it within an outer maleness. Today I wanted to grab hold of the girl standing next to me, eject her (nothing personal, sorry...) from her body so I could possess the female body that feels rightfully mine myself. But mostly the sheer depth and freshness of this identification opens up so much space to be explored and consolidated that I am not bashing my head against the wall of outer maleness. It feels rich and exciting.
And, speaking as inner Deborah, it feels wonderful to be acknowledged.
In a way that makes me feel sad about past inner neglect, isolation. I still suddenly feel close to tears often, about past loneliness and confinement.
I am reinterpreting my character and my past.
It's an enormous, profound shift in self. xxx
(N.B. No nice pic of an attractive girl to end with, I've decided. Lovely though the crossdreamy thrill is to reperesent my inner self in this way, it doesn't feel quite right [today]. I am my own girl, unique. A picture of another girl is a picture of another girl, not me. I don't have to adopt her to be female [contrary to the sentiment expressed in the big paragraph above]. I don't have a female exterior: that's the sad truth. I do have a female interior. xx)
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Inner woman, crossdreaming man
As I interpret my inner self, I have a sense that Debbie the inner woman and Deb the crossdreaming persona are distinct, and that this is an important distinction.
The crossdreaming sexuality is a transfracted response to the existence of the inner femaleness. The sexuality is not that of the inner woman but a warped version of it. Nevertheless it is the sexuality that I have, and I own it without shame and intend to feel good about it.
For a lot of crossdreamers, within the community and within their individual selves, there is a tension between these two aspects. Debbie my inner woman is not always happy at the sexualised version of femaleness in the crossdreaming. Yet why should I feel bad about the sexuality that I actually possess?
So I embrace both the inner woman and the crossdreamer.
Recently I have gone a bit potty for Sally Potter, the film director. Her films really are magnificent. Orlando, probably her best, has a strong transgender theme. Last night, though, I watched her 1997 film The Tango Lesson. Interspersed in the first half hour of the film are short clips from a film within the film, featuring some glamorous models.
These certainly had the 'oooh!' factor. The models even resemble drag queens (as Potter probably appreciated knowingly), except with beautiful female bodies. Screaming queens throughout the world must love these clips, fantasise themsleves into these roles. I love the clips, want to be one of the models, because I have a screaming queen sexuality.
In the rest of the film, however, Sally Potter plays herself, learning the tango. In this role she comes over as a a female to aspire to being: a thoughtful, creative, intelligent, sensitive, string woman. Not overtly/exaggeratedly sexy like the models, but someone Debbie could emulate if I allow her to develop.
An important difference, do you see? xxx
The crossdreaming sexuality is a transfracted response to the existence of the inner femaleness. The sexuality is not that of the inner woman but a warped version of it. Nevertheless it is the sexuality that I have, and I own it without shame and intend to feel good about it.
For a lot of crossdreamers, within the community and within their individual selves, there is a tension between these two aspects. Debbie my inner woman is not always happy at the sexualised version of femaleness in the crossdreaming. Yet why should I feel bad about the sexuality that I actually possess?
So I embrace both the inner woman and the crossdreamer.
Recently I have gone a bit potty for Sally Potter, the film director. Her films really are magnificent. Orlando, probably her best, has a strong transgender theme. Last night, though, I watched her 1997 film The Tango Lesson. Interspersed in the first half hour of the film are short clips from a film within the film, featuring some glamorous models.
These certainly had the 'oooh!' factor. The models even resemble drag queens (as Potter probably appreciated knowingly), except with beautiful female bodies. Screaming queens throughout the world must love these clips, fantasise themsleves into these roles. I love the clips, want to be one of the models, because I have a screaming queen sexuality.
In the rest of the film, however, Sally Potter plays herself, learning the tango. In this role she comes over as a a female to aspire to being: a thoughtful, creative, intelligent, sensitive, string woman. Not overtly/exaggeratedly sexy like the models, but someone Debbie could emulate if I allow her to develop.
An important difference, do you see? xxx
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
Transfraction
I have coined this term 'transfraction'. It's not an original idea but it's a useful one.
'Transfraction' means, according to me, the way female qualities, feelings etc. get altered by being possessed by a male-bodied person. A male-bodied trans person is likely to experience elements of femaleness quite differently from how a natal woman would, on account of social conditioning, awareness of the contrariness of the feelings etc.
With regard to sexuality, this accounts for the difference between mtf crossdreaming sexuality and female sexuality. For instance the sheer being female element has a much stronger charge to it, and there may be a an element of humiliation on account of cultural attitudes (although masochism may also be part of a female sexuality, as enjoyed by many natal women).
Note that this isn't predicated on essentialism. The original qualities may be ones that fit a female identity, causing the subject to yearn to be female, rather than ones designated female at a pre-cultural stage.
Love,
Deb xxx
'Transfraction' means, according to me, the way female qualities, feelings etc. get altered by being possessed by a male-bodied person. A male-bodied trans person is likely to experience elements of femaleness quite differently from how a natal woman would, on account of social conditioning, awareness of the contrariness of the feelings etc.
With regard to sexuality, this accounts for the difference between mtf crossdreaming sexuality and female sexuality. For instance the sheer being female element has a much stronger charge to it, and there may be a an element of humiliation on account of cultural attitudes (although masochism may also be part of a female sexuality, as enjoyed by many natal women).
Note that this isn't predicated on essentialism. The original qualities may be ones that fit a female identity, causing the subject to yearn to be female, rather than ones designated female at a pre-cultural stage.
Love,
Deb xxx
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