I am a t-girl.
If I say this to myself repeatedly, before very long at all I feel tearful. It is good therapy.
I've only got to rephrase it as 'I identify as a t-girl' and I feel safer as I move into the comfortable territory of intellectual theorising.
Nevertheless, here's some discourse...
Since I discovered Jack Molay's term 'crossdreamer' and recognised myself as one, identification has been very important to me. I am aware of theoretical critiques of 'identity politics', of psychological issues concerning identity, and I am firmly on the side of identity in the transgender context. People form identities around their family, their employment, their location, their country of origin, their favourite sport, their favourite music. To identify as trans in a similar way brings secret inner feelings out into a realm where they are fully accepted. It is not to say that 't' is scientifically imprinted on your heart, any more than your occupation or your favourite pastime is. The deconstructionists are always saying that there's nothing inherently wrong with constructed identities, so lets take them at their word and stop arguing about essentialism.
By identifying as a t-girl I am saying that I have a broad set of feelings in common with other t-girls. Yes, I know there are great variations, but there are enough affinities for me to think 'I am one of these people'. This counters a lot of defensiveness, counters desires to reject my own deep feelings. Certainly, though, identity and community should not be taken to the extent of uniformity and intolerance, of dress codes and 'in' and 'out' attitudes ( a criticism sometimes made of some gay cliques).
I am not, however, identifying as a girl. That would be invoking all the difficult issues about whether or not transgender feelings really are evidence of objective internal femaleness. I don't think I am entitled to claim authentic internal femaleness, nor to reject the possibility of this within me. We just don't know about this for sure.
But we can go with our deep feelings, and explore - and help to free up oppressive societal constructs of gender as we do.
Problems:
1) Dysphoria: we have to beware of encouraging a horrible hatred of our male selves. Some trans radicals, such as Kate Bornstein, hardly ever mention dysphoria, while for many trans folk dysphoria is a suffering from which all stems. So if people would rather not explore and develop their trans feelings, for fear of worsening dysphoria, then fair enough.
2) Transitioning: to alter your body, and much else in your life, is a very big deal. You need to be confident that what you are doing is right, be sure that you are not confusing the reality of being an rl woman with a nice (though meaningful and important) fantasy. I can understand people thinking that if you identify as trans you should go for it fully, but I think that internal identification is very important in its own right, and bringing the pros and cons of transitioning into the issue confuses this, perhaps making people reject trans identity because they don't want to transition.
And for crosssdreamers, who say their trans feelings are restricted to the realm of the sexual? Fine, identify as sexually trans, as trans in the very important area of sexuality, that is big enough. But be open, don't be defensive - 'it's just a fetish, nothing more' etc.' If it's just a fetish, that's cool, but if you keep finding yourself needing to insist that it's just a fetish, be willing to examine other possibilities thoroughly and honestly.
Jack Molay himself wrote (here):
'We have not come to the point where we are able to look at crossdreaming as something natural, something that is OK, something that should be enjoyed as a positive and life affirming side of ourselves. I believe too many of us (me included) still suffer from internalized transphobia, where there are still parts of us which are looking for a way out.'
Hence the importance of identity, and the community that hopefully develops from it (but see my recent post here!), to counter such internal resistance. And thus the need for constant reaffirmation.
I am a t-girl.
Tuesday, 21 October 2014
Thursday, 16 October 2014
Sunday, 5 October 2014
Crossdream Life: online potential unfulfilled
Crossdream Life forum, at which I have been a frequent contributor, seems to be dying a very slow death.
There is reluctance to write about such declines, as acknowledgement of decline is likely to confirm and exacerbate it (note that I am not actually posting this on Crossdream Life). But it is right to acknowledge something of importance that is actually occurring. I don't think not acknowledging it will prevent further decline. Whenever a new member arrives one wants to support their initial enthusiasm, hoping that this new person might yet help to turn things around. But sooner or later (increasingly, usually sooner) they stop coming.
Before I go further, I should wholeheartedly thank CDL's founders, Jason and Jack, the friends I've made at CDL, and all who have contributed positively to the forum. There have been many good threads, many thoughtful and stimulating contributions, and the forum certainly has been a positive element in my life.
Crossdream Life has attracted 762 members. The hope of such forums is, surely, that now kindred spirits have such a base, they can support each other and create something positive for themselves. While CDL may have performed a positive temporary role in individuals' trans journeys, in the long run I would say that a new community/culture was not created.
Why not? To me the failure seems apiece with the tendencies in human endeavor in general. Complexities in the nature of life and in human nature undermine good intentions. Revolutions go wrong, marriages break down etc.; things that are successful for a while decline or get corrupted. We see this in the early stages of the extraordinary new development in human culture - the internet. The exciting new world so full of potential soon becomes beset with problems.
In online culture there's a particularly strong sense of what isn't being said. How are people feeling when they're not contributing to the forum, when they're not writing their blog?
With trans, for many of us, there's an extra particular element of 'sometimes you're really into it, sometimes you're just not', making what is expressed only a part of an individual's picture.
Between us, the Crossdream Life members have failed to create a community which make us feel thoroughly good about being crossdreamers: a community that reassures as well as stimulates. Something which counters the inclination to withdraw.
Certainly the internet provides lots of opportunities for online socialising. Most of these seem a little intimidating, though, and just not the kind of thing that a lot of us enjoy. Like going into a nightclub where you don't know anybody. And of course there are also sites that provide opportunities for up-front online sexual liaison. But with these even more so, for many people such kind of set-up is not appealing.
For me it was important that Crossdream Life was not the kind of site people visit when they are drunk and then disown the part of themselves that went there the next day. Crossdreaming is sexual trans, but there are all sorts of contexts for sexuality, not all dark and sleazy. Sadly, some crossdreamers have regarded crossdreaming as being indelibly associated with addictive, unnourishing online sex and porn.
Factors that deflected Crossdream Life from going in the direction I would have liked were:
1. People wanting to 'cure' themselves of crossdreaming.
2. Focus on transitioning.
3. 'My dysphoria is a horrible affliction. How insensitive of you to try to be positive and enjoy your crossdreaming.'
4. Endless debates about the causes of crossdreaming.
Of course changes in online culture have played a part. Facebook took a lot from online forums, and now there is tumblr, etc. This I find wearying. If I have to keep following the fashions, becoming au fait with the latest all the time, I'm more inclined to think I'll save myself the bother by leaving all well alone.
I remember that in a thread on Crossdream Life a couple of years ago I extolled the joys of crossdreaming and regretted a general feeling of despondency on the forum. A member called dkool replied that many crossdreamers feel negatively because they don't know where to take their crossdreaming. Increasingly I have come to appreciate what dkool meant.
There is reluctance to write about such declines, as acknowledgement of decline is likely to confirm and exacerbate it (note that I am not actually posting this on Crossdream Life). But it is right to acknowledge something of importance that is actually occurring. I don't think not acknowledging it will prevent further decline. Whenever a new member arrives one wants to support their initial enthusiasm, hoping that this new person might yet help to turn things around. But sooner or later (increasingly, usually sooner) they stop coming.
Before I go further, I should wholeheartedly thank CDL's founders, Jason and Jack, the friends I've made at CDL, and all who have contributed positively to the forum. There have been many good threads, many thoughtful and stimulating contributions, and the forum certainly has been a positive element in my life.
Crossdream Life has attracted 762 members. The hope of such forums is, surely, that now kindred spirits have such a base, they can support each other and create something positive for themselves. While CDL may have performed a positive temporary role in individuals' trans journeys, in the long run I would say that a new community/culture was not created.
Why not? To me the failure seems apiece with the tendencies in human endeavor in general. Complexities in the nature of life and in human nature undermine good intentions. Revolutions go wrong, marriages break down etc.; things that are successful for a while decline or get corrupted. We see this in the early stages of the extraordinary new development in human culture - the internet. The exciting new world so full of potential soon becomes beset with problems.
In online culture there's a particularly strong sense of what isn't being said. How are people feeling when they're not contributing to the forum, when they're not writing their blog?
With trans, for many of us, there's an extra particular element of 'sometimes you're really into it, sometimes you're just not', making what is expressed only a part of an individual's picture.
Between us, the Crossdream Life members have failed to create a community which make us feel thoroughly good about being crossdreamers: a community that reassures as well as stimulates. Something which counters the inclination to withdraw.
Certainly the internet provides lots of opportunities for online socialising. Most of these seem a little intimidating, though, and just not the kind of thing that a lot of us enjoy. Like going into a nightclub where you don't know anybody. And of course there are also sites that provide opportunities for up-front online sexual liaison. But with these even more so, for many people such kind of set-up is not appealing.
For me it was important that Crossdream Life was not the kind of site people visit when they are drunk and then disown the part of themselves that went there the next day. Crossdreaming is sexual trans, but there are all sorts of contexts for sexuality, not all dark and sleazy. Sadly, some crossdreamers have regarded crossdreaming as being indelibly associated with addictive, unnourishing online sex and porn.
Factors that deflected Crossdream Life from going in the direction I would have liked were:
1. People wanting to 'cure' themselves of crossdreaming.
2. Focus on transitioning.
3. 'My dysphoria is a horrible affliction. How insensitive of you to try to be positive and enjoy your crossdreaming.'
4. Endless debates about the causes of crossdreaming.
Of course changes in online culture have played a part. Facebook took a lot from online forums, and now there is tumblr, etc. This I find wearying. If I have to keep following the fashions, becoming au fait with the latest all the time, I'm more inclined to think I'll save myself the bother by leaving all well alone.
I remember that in a thread on Crossdream Life a couple of years ago I extolled the joys of crossdreaming and regretted a general feeling of despondency on the forum. A member called dkool replied that many crossdreamers feel negatively because they don't know where to take their crossdreaming. Increasingly I have come to appreciate what dkool meant.
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