Self-acceptance, towards and beyond

The whole experience of writing a blog which does get read but doesn't get many comments is an odd one. Overall, though this is very uneven, it is gradually getting to feel less adequate, to me, as an expression of my transness. It feels like a private dance with some unknown faces looking in at me through the window, though I can't see them.

So lapses in blog-writing should not be taken as lapses in trans identification. Am I repaying loyalty, or something, by continuing to post?

If you're new to the blog, I'd recommend you read Mirror Sister first, then Deborah Descends, in an older to newer posts order. I think what I've written in the past is more interesting than anything I can think of to write right now.

To report in any case, the trans identification feels vague but firm. Less of a thrill, less fascinating, as it very gradually settles. Whatever it is exactly, it is something, and if I had embraced it and the culture around me had accepted it so much would have been so different.

I cry for my past. Whatever the true cause of my trans feelings, I am definitely one of many male-bodied people whose lives have been damaged by having our characters measured against a standard of 'masculinity' (uggh!!). And the intolerance of variation in sexual feelings has taken its toll as well. Of course the world is completely unjust, and I am certainly not claiming 'I've suffered more than others'. But naturally one feels the oppressions one has suffered oneself most keenly.

For my future there's no obvious direction, beyond self-acceptance.