Deborah's dance of sadness

Oceans of sadness. Oh, oceans of sadness.

Is this not a part of life? Do we not all wade through oceans of sadness, so constant that we cease to be aware of them most of the time?

I do not like to think of trans as being a special entitlement to extra self-pity. To me it just seems typical of life's complications.

But deep sadness there is. Sadness at the bitter cruelty of the gender divide. It is not just a matter of society getting it wrong. It is imposed on us by biology. The male-bodied dancer needs more than cultural licence to dance a female part with true beauty: he needs a female body.

Sadness at the horrible repression of foiled expression.

It is not just a matter of trans (less is it a matter of wanting to be female all the time). It is a matter of an ideal self in an ideal world, where the thing to do is dance, versus all of the wretched limitations and vicissitudes of the actual.

Trans can deliver a keener appreciation of femininity. We treasure it because we don't take it for granted. But we are constantly up against a 'but...'. We are doing what in a fundamental way doesn't fit (while in other fundamental ways it so does fit). The thrill is the other side of the coin of a frustration too permanent to be distinguishable as a distinct part of everyday existence.

But Deborah dances. Deborah dances within. A sad dance, a lonesome dance, but  a beautiful one. For my t-femininity is an inspiring beacon of beauty and truth within me. I love it.

It needs persistent affirmation, being up against its sheer contrariness. Recently I have felt less happy about the blog as a medium for self-expression and connection, although it has served me well in the recent past. But I here I am, instinctively turning to it again. Deborah seems to reach for it, despite Mirror Brother's weariness.

An affirmation published online has a stronger reality. And, if you are a crossdreamer / male femme,   it reaches out to co-affirm the beautiful t-femininity within you, dear reader. x x

Strange transience

I must admit that I am fond of most of what I have written here and on Mirror Sister.

If you are too, then I am flattered. Thank you very much.

What a compliment to yours truly, that people revisit my blogs, out of all the websites they could be reading, out of all the activities they could be doing. Gosh, and thank you ever so much again.

If you like what I have written in the past, I hope your attitude is that you are pleased that it is still there, as available to be read as it always was.

I hope you don't want me to carry on writing the same kind of posts that I have written in the past. I would like to think that I have better things to do with my time than to repeat myself.

But of course the present kicks the past out into darkness. Few people read old blog posts.

Well, I am pleased that I have contributed to some individual readers' past moments. If everything now rolls on without any further contributions from me, so be it.

Or maybe what I contribute in future will be quite different from what I have contributed in the past. This would not invalidate what I have written in the past.

Love and kisses,
Debs xxx